Whilst Lily and I were making paper craft snowflakes this evening loads of things occurred that I felt compelled to share!
Firstly, it was unanimous, amoung our little family at least, that the 6 pointed snowflakes looked amazing when compared with the 4 pointed snowflakes.
We asked eachother why and had a nice discussion about nature, Fibonacci numbers, symmetry, tessellation, fractions and probably a couple of other things too! Win, win with a spontaneous and cool Christmas craft!
The snowflakes also brought to light a few other things unrelated to the snowflakes themselves.
Lily found it really hard. Overall. Not just one part. She could not imagine the completed snowflake in her head and even after she had cut one, she had to refold it and study what she had done in order to draw another. She also could not follow a pattern. Whilst she was designing her snowflake, she constantly unfolded and refolded, indicating again that she was unable to imagine what it may look like in the end (when unfolded). She point blank (read - after a huge meltdown), refused to use the second method we found for folding the paper (the one that created the 6 pointed snowflakes) because she thought the first method was easier. And finally, she found the cutting really stressful. She was breathing hard and then holding her breathe. She was groaning and gnarling with frustration. She was terrified she would cut her design too far and ruin it. She did actually do this a couple of times and both were snowflakes were violently screwed up and thrown across the table.
However, she is now happily sat making her snowflakes, her way and she is improving fast! Oh, and they are being stuck all over the house! :-)
During the snowflake making, Dominik came into the kitchen with his office chair, tablet, hat and headphones so that I could do his daily neurodevelopmental exercises. Amazing. I didn't even ask him to come. He wandered in and was ready to get started.
Well, that didn't last long. It really was too good to be true.
Let me explain why I think Dominik then had a huge meltdown (larger than he's experienced in a fair few weeks).
On Wednesday, we're going to see Hamilton in London. I cannot recall if I have ever mentioned his obsession with the musical in this blog, but, it's been there, for probably around 9 months now. He knows all the words to a large chunk of the songs. He has researched it's performers and writer, read parts of the Benjamin Franklin papers, learned some American History, spent hours singing the songs and has generally been very Autistic about it!
It's heavily on his mind and is basically replacing Christmas as his 'event' this year. Everything in his life revolves around 7.30pm Wednesday night. He is excited, terrified, nervous, angry, thankful and anxious all the time.
So, back to the kitchen, the reason he was unable to even start his therapy is because he started talking to me about his sleep pattern. It is all over the place and he has been trying to 'correct it' (his words, not mine). As he sat on his chair he asked me what I thought he could do to try and ensure he does not feel tired during our evening out to see Hamilton (which is in fact a late afternoon to an early morning in reality) and I answered him.
That was my mistake. He did not actually want to hear my suggestions (turn everything off, have a warm milk, put on the fan for white noise and stay in bed to relax and, hopefully at the very least, help his body understand that it is bed time now), what he wanted was a big hug and some empathy.
Soooooo, mine were not helpful suggestions in the circumstances. They were stupid, useless, a waste of time and obviously not going to work for him (his words). Sigh. He stomped off. Slammed his chair against the kitchen cupboards and slammed his bedroom door for good measure.
I probably should have seen it coming when I noticed that his actions were literally, 'too good to be true' but I didn't. I was worn out from calming and coaching Lily for half an hour. I was brain numb from talking about Fibonacci and geometry. I was excited that Dominik was doing something VOLUNTARILY that I have literally had to beg him to do every. single. day. since September. I missed the clues!
But, here I am now, analyzing what happened and seeing it all more clearly.
I think that's why I write this blog. Having no partner to reflect with means that I have to get the thoughts out somewhere! Ta-da! :-)
Dominik will be ok. I will go downstairs now and give him that hug and tell him that of course he won't feel tired and that of course he WILL NOT fall asleep on Wednesday! And that it is going to be perfect.
Thanks for reading!
N x
PS - Snowflakes also made me think of a friend who lost a loved one this week and send her a little extra prayer. Life is just so precious and fleeting, much like snowflakes themselves, so love each other and be kind. <3
PPS - Lily is writing her first manga! Just giving it a mention because otherwise I will never remember when she wrote it!
Showing posts with label compassion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label compassion. Show all posts
Monday, 18 December 2017
Monday, 27 November 2017
There is ALWAYS more to learn.
The home education community is currently feeling under attack once again. (There is a pattern.)
Lord Soley's bill had its second reading in the House of Lords last week and is proceeding to the committee stage whereby amendments and changes can be made before it is presented again.
My mood is wobbling between screaming, "I told you so!" to anyone who will listen/hiding from all social media/springing into direct, offensive action or, starting some process of family defense!
Amidst all of this angst though, I think the above title is vitally important.
I am desperately trying not to lose sight of what I love about my family life and why we choose to live as we do.
The title of this post is the reason why I LOVE home education, and especially unschooling.
We are all always learning and we know that there is ALWAYS more to learn. We are never done.
In my house:
If the Lords wish to have a larger say in how I educate my children (or how they educate themselves for that matter), they had best be providing the funds for me to do it! This is of course in the same way that they would fund a school! If the Lords want that right then they need to accept the financial responsibility too. I am almost certain that this is not something they would consider.
I perhaps would not be quite so bothered by their interest if it weren't for the fact that modern science has demonstrated over and over again that active, effective, long term learning does not happen in a classroom style environment!
Academics have also proven that delaying formal learning IMPROVES long term results.
We know that intrinsic motivation is key and yet we push more and more external rewards.
We also know that homework has no significant, measurable effect on results and yet it is still mandatory in many schools.
We know that our school population are in the poorest mental health EVER in history and yet nothing is being done about it.
Obviously nothing about the bill is set in stone (indeed it may come to absolutely nothing, although I highly doubt it), and I am largely speculating about what might happen in the future, but I think it is safe to say that child led learning (that looks entirely different than 'mainstream' learning) will be more difficult to 'justify' to the local government representatives when they come around for their mandatory home visits.
I find the notion of my children studying a curriculum completely baffling. Why would you want your children to learn facts and information that come from limited and biased sources? Why would you want your children memorising information and 'facts' that are at best of date and at worst incorrect? Why would you want them to be basically the same as every other child? Why would you want to risk their mental health and well being as well as their curiosity and enthusiasm? (NB - I am speaking ONLY for myself.)
I am aware that I am using broad strokes when speaking about school and school children.
I am aware that there are many children who love school.
And to that I say, "Thank goodness!".
Please do not think for one second I am hoping to ban schools or discourage those who love it from attending. I most definitely am not. Each to their own provided there is no actual harm.
What I am doing is defending my right to make different choices, and the rights of my children to follow their interests, talents, skills and hobbies in their own time and in their own way.
Speaking only for my family, we are active, self-motivated learners. Our minds are waiting all the time to glean some nuance we missed before. Or to hear a new word or explore a new idea. Our lifestyle facilitates our learning.
We embrace our lives as a part of the whole 'lesson'. To spend these precious years in a government institution seems like a huge waste of time and opportunity to me. Again, just speaking for myself.
There are many lessons in this experience too I'm sure and I hope we can all explore them together.
Please, when the time comes, stand by me and my family and help us protect our right to learn in a way that is most meaningful to us.
Join the discussion. This affects us all.
Thanks for reading my tired, our of practice ramblings.
N x
Lord Soley's bill had its second reading in the House of Lords last week and is proceeding to the committee stage whereby amendments and changes can be made before it is presented again.
My mood is wobbling between screaming, "I told you so!" to anyone who will listen/hiding from all social media/springing into direct, offensive action or, starting some process of family defense!
Amidst all of this angst though, I think the above title is vitally important.
I am desperately trying not to lose sight of what I love about my family life and why we choose to live as we do.
The title of this post is the reason why I LOVE home education, and especially unschooling.
We are all always learning and we know that there is ALWAYS more to learn. We are never done.
In my house:
- We do not kid ourselves that it is only during 'lesson time' that we are learning something important.
- We do not wait for someone else to suddenly impart the knowledge we need upon us.
- We do not believe that all there is that is worth learning comes in bite-size chunks in age appropriate categories and can only be delivered by 'qualified' teachers.
If the Lords wish to have a larger say in how I educate my children (or how they educate themselves for that matter), they had best be providing the funds for me to do it! This is of course in the same way that they would fund a school! If the Lords want that right then they need to accept the financial responsibility too. I am almost certain that this is not something they would consider.
I perhaps would not be quite so bothered by their interest if it weren't for the fact that modern science has demonstrated over and over again that active, effective, long term learning does not happen in a classroom style environment!
Academics have also proven that delaying formal learning IMPROVES long term results.
We know that intrinsic motivation is key and yet we push more and more external rewards.
We also know that homework has no significant, measurable effect on results and yet it is still mandatory in many schools.
We know that our school population are in the poorest mental health EVER in history and yet nothing is being done about it.
Obviously nothing about the bill is set in stone (indeed it may come to absolutely nothing, although I highly doubt it), and I am largely speculating about what might happen in the future, but I think it is safe to say that child led learning (that looks entirely different than 'mainstream' learning) will be more difficult to 'justify' to the local government representatives when they come around for their mandatory home visits.
I find the notion of my children studying a curriculum completely baffling. Why would you want your children to learn facts and information that come from limited and biased sources? Why would you want your children memorising information and 'facts' that are at best of date and at worst incorrect? Why would you want them to be basically the same as every other child? Why would you want to risk their mental health and well being as well as their curiosity and enthusiasm? (NB - I am speaking ONLY for myself.)
I am aware that I am using broad strokes when speaking about school and school children.
I am aware that there are many children who love school.
And to that I say, "Thank goodness!".
Please do not think for one second I am hoping to ban schools or discourage those who love it from attending. I most definitely am not. Each to their own provided there is no actual harm.
What I am doing is defending my right to make different choices, and the rights of my children to follow their interests, talents, skills and hobbies in their own time and in their own way.
Speaking only for my family, we are active, self-motivated learners. Our minds are waiting all the time to glean some nuance we missed before. Or to hear a new word or explore a new idea. Our lifestyle facilitates our learning.
We embrace our lives as a part of the whole 'lesson'. To spend these precious years in a government institution seems like a huge waste of time and opportunity to me. Again, just speaking for myself.
There are many lessons in this experience too I'm sure and I hope we can all explore them together.
Please, when the time comes, stand by me and my family and help us protect our right to learn in a way that is most meaningful to us.
Join the discussion. This affects us all.
Thanks for reading my tired, our of practice ramblings.
N x
Wednesday, 19 July 2017
Irritating timing.
Every time I get a little distracted and disheartened with life in general, it turns around.
It is literally like I need to hit my version of 'bottom', (which isn't very low!) in order to turn it around.
I have been feeling truly disappointed with my lot lately. It is fairly uncharacteristic for me to feel pessimistic and frightened, but I have been.
On the surface everything is great though! I honestly cannot complain.
We have all that we need and we are healthy and (mostly) getting along well with each other happily.
The weather has been wonderful!
We've had a lovely family holiday in a lodge in Norfolk and were able to visit dear friends.
Lily is managing life so well it means she must be happy and stress free. Yay!
Harriet is pushing every limit she encounters in true 2 year old style! It is exhausting.
Hannon is designing games and creating his own redstone circuits whilst having agreed to go back to Scouts. Exciting times.
Dominik went to the cinema alone today (at his request), gave Hannon permission to use his PS4 whilst he was gone (arghhhhh, never happened before), had a shower before he went and loved every minute of it. So, so proud of his achievement.
The children have all been talking about their passions and what they see in their respective futures. They are all enthusiastic about their options and seem to be approaching the subject in unique ways.
Hannon is focused on being a game designer and is flowing with ideas of projects to work on with his friends.
Lily is drawing and offering her 'chibi' portraits for sale.
Dominik has asked to attend voice coaching tuition to improve his chances of becoming a professional voice actor.
Such wonderful, genuine aspirations that will allow them to live authentic lives and hopefully remain happy and safe. They all want to generate their incomes from their own talents.
They are all conscious that their choices allow them to travel in the future whilst they continue working! And they also know that they will be able to determine their own schedules to a large extent!
I've been talking about creating an income from one of my passions too, so I can completely relate to their emotions. I sometimes wish that I'd been encouraged to follow my instincts and had the freedom to develop my passions at their ages.
But I think that all of the above happened exactly because the last few weeks, until today, have been dull!
Since we returned from our holiday, we have kept our socialising to a minimum (and our spending) as we all needed to recharge, but it has made life a little quieter than usual.
Today was clearly the end of that cycle. It feels almost as if we flat-lined for a moment and then rebounded afresh!
I now realise, that for our family, a natural 'lull' is absolutely necessary in order for us to coalesce the knowledge we've each been gathering.
It's like the moment before you are finally able to make a decision about something you've been procrastinating over! And on a family sized scale!
The learning is happening for all of us all the time if we would only slow down enough to actually process each moment.
I feel so lucky to be able to offer my special needs children such a varied and interesting life.
N x
It is literally like I need to hit my version of 'bottom', (which isn't very low!) in order to turn it around.
I have been feeling truly disappointed with my lot lately. It is fairly uncharacteristic for me to feel pessimistic and frightened, but I have been.
On the surface everything is great though! I honestly cannot complain.
We have all that we need and we are healthy and (mostly) getting along well with each other happily.
The weather has been wonderful!
We've had a lovely family holiday in a lodge in Norfolk and were able to visit dear friends.
Lily is managing life so well it means she must be happy and stress free. Yay!
Harriet is pushing every limit she encounters in true 2 year old style! It is exhausting.
Hannon is designing games and creating his own redstone circuits whilst having agreed to go back to Scouts. Exciting times.
Dominik went to the cinema alone today (at his request), gave Hannon permission to use his PS4 whilst he was gone (arghhhhh, never happened before), had a shower before he went and loved every minute of it. So, so proud of his achievement.
The children have all been talking about their passions and what they see in their respective futures. They are all enthusiastic about their options and seem to be approaching the subject in unique ways.
Hannon is focused on being a game designer and is flowing with ideas of projects to work on with his friends.
Lily is drawing and offering her 'chibi' portraits for sale.
Dominik has asked to attend voice coaching tuition to improve his chances of becoming a professional voice actor.
Such wonderful, genuine aspirations that will allow them to live authentic lives and hopefully remain happy and safe. They all want to generate their incomes from their own talents.
They are all conscious that their choices allow them to travel in the future whilst they continue working! And they also know that they will be able to determine their own schedules to a large extent!
I've been talking about creating an income from one of my passions too, so I can completely relate to their emotions. I sometimes wish that I'd been encouraged to follow my instincts and had the freedom to develop my passions at their ages.
But I think that all of the above happened exactly because the last few weeks, until today, have been dull!
Since we returned from our holiday, we have kept our socialising to a minimum (and our spending) as we all needed to recharge, but it has made life a little quieter than usual.
Today was clearly the end of that cycle. It feels almost as if we flat-lined for a moment and then rebounded afresh!
I now realise, that for our family, a natural 'lull' is absolutely necessary in order for us to coalesce the knowledge we've each been gathering.
It's like the moment before you are finally able to make a decision about something you've been procrastinating over! And on a family sized scale!
The learning is happening for all of us all the time if we would only slow down enough to actually process each moment.
I feel so lucky to be able to offer my special needs children such a varied and interesting life.
N x
Sunday, 11 June 2017
It's the moments that take your breath away.
Tonight I connected with my children in my favourite way.
We each spent some time reflecting on our day and listening to it from a different perspective. I would love to say we do this every night, but we don't! We often discuss particular events but we rarely talk about our entire day as we did tonight.
Lily came to tell me that she'd let the cat out, locked all the doors, turned off all the lights and folded up her clothes. I must have had the most dramatic change in demeanor because suddenly Lily was beside herself with joy! The feeling that engulfed me when she listed all the things she had just done (as well as being in her pajama's and having brushed her teeth) was one of utter love. I felt cared for, loved, heard and appreciated all at once.
Lily had done all of those jobs, in her own words, "Because I am getting older now and I need to learn to look after myself more." without any prompting at all from me.
My children are asked to help when needed, but are rarely required to do something for me when I ask (under threat or bribe). Lily has simply observed me and listened to my questions if she comes upstairs after I do, and learnt what jobs must be done before coming up to go to bed.
Of course she has!
In my deepest, most secure place I know my children are learning these things all the time, but at a shallower level, I still shit myself regularly that I'm doing this mum thing all wrong!
As Lily and I were talking, we discussed something that had happened when we had guests over this afternoon. Lily, plus 3 other children including Dominik, had been playing on the trampoline when Dominik pushed Lily and she fell into another child.
Lily hit her mouth and a massive meltdown ensued. She screamed at the top of her voice and listeners would have thought she was dying! Dominik simply climbed off the trampoline and said quietly that he was going inside.
I calmly tried to reassure Lily that she was ok and that she could have anything she needed to help her calm down. She was insistent that Dominik had hurt her lip on purpose. She did not comprehend that it was an accident. She assigned blame for her poorly mouth to the push from Dominik. She was inconsolable. :-(
When we talked about this before bed tonight, Lily said that she had acted childishly and that she was sorry for screaming. We decided to risk disturbing Dominik to tell him that we were both very proud of him, that we loved him and that Lily was sorry.
We first checked that all the doors were indeed locked (!), and then knocked on his door. He said we could come in and Lily, calmly and kindly, said she was sorry for what she did and that she knew he did not do it on purpose. He was visibly relieved and thanked Lily for coming to tell him.
Dominik interacted with two young men today, neither of whom are associated with particularly positive memories, and he did it amazingly well. I am so proud. He has had an abnormal sleep pattern again recently and has been really struggling to live with us all (and vice versa) but, the effort he has put in is paying off. I think he has realised, for the time being at least, that he does enjoy life when we spend more time together and that he can exercise some self control if he is able to pay attention.
Lily also played hostess today and loved it! She asked more than once if everyone was having a nice time (asking for a show of hands!), put food on plates and brought almost everything outside, all by herself. She was so proud to have been a help. It was amazing.
Hannon played happily with both of our visitors and didn't eat all the pizza before anyone else had had some! :-D He was also an amazing host. Polite, friendly and fun.
Harriet, and my lovely friend who babysat for me today (hey Sharon!), looked to have had an amazing time together too judging from the pictures! Harriet had looked forward to Sharon and Pepsi arriving all day so was quite happy for me to toddle off to my roller derby course without so much as a backwards glance!
Today I was so blessed.
Good friends. Lovely food. Fresh air. Roller skates. Love. Gratitude. Understanding. Learning. Happiness.
I'm pretty sure I could not ask for more.
Hope you all have a blessed week
N x
PS - UPDATE - Dominik has made some huge developmental leaps as a result of his brushing and movement therapy. For the first time ever he is becoming self-aware. The egocentricity, notable during toddler hood, is finally abating. He is starting to see that he is a part of a system and not alone in this place. He is taking better care of his immediate environment and is being more considerate than I had ever dared to hope for.
Small steps. Kind words. Patience.
We each spent some time reflecting on our day and listening to it from a different perspective. I would love to say we do this every night, but we don't! We often discuss particular events but we rarely talk about our entire day as we did tonight.
Lily came to tell me that she'd let the cat out, locked all the doors, turned off all the lights and folded up her clothes. I must have had the most dramatic change in demeanor because suddenly Lily was beside herself with joy! The feeling that engulfed me when she listed all the things she had just done (as well as being in her pajama's and having brushed her teeth) was one of utter love. I felt cared for, loved, heard and appreciated all at once.
Lily had done all of those jobs, in her own words, "Because I am getting older now and I need to learn to look after myself more." without any prompting at all from me.
My children are asked to help when needed, but are rarely required to do something for me when I ask (under threat or bribe). Lily has simply observed me and listened to my questions if she comes upstairs after I do, and learnt what jobs must be done before coming up to go to bed.
Of course she has!
In my deepest, most secure place I know my children are learning these things all the time, but at a shallower level, I still shit myself regularly that I'm doing this mum thing all wrong!
As Lily and I were talking, we discussed something that had happened when we had guests over this afternoon. Lily, plus 3 other children including Dominik, had been playing on the trampoline when Dominik pushed Lily and she fell into another child.
Lily hit her mouth and a massive meltdown ensued. She screamed at the top of her voice and listeners would have thought she was dying! Dominik simply climbed off the trampoline and said quietly that he was going inside.
I calmly tried to reassure Lily that she was ok and that she could have anything she needed to help her calm down. She was insistent that Dominik had hurt her lip on purpose. She did not comprehend that it was an accident. She assigned blame for her poorly mouth to the push from Dominik. She was inconsolable. :-(
When we talked about this before bed tonight, Lily said that she had acted childishly and that she was sorry for screaming. We decided to risk disturbing Dominik to tell him that we were both very proud of him, that we loved him and that Lily was sorry.
We first checked that all the doors were indeed locked (!), and then knocked on his door. He said we could come in and Lily, calmly and kindly, said she was sorry for what she did and that she knew he did not do it on purpose. He was visibly relieved and thanked Lily for coming to tell him.
Dominik interacted with two young men today, neither of whom are associated with particularly positive memories, and he did it amazingly well. I am so proud. He has had an abnormal sleep pattern again recently and has been really struggling to live with us all (and vice versa) but, the effort he has put in is paying off. I think he has realised, for the time being at least, that he does enjoy life when we spend more time together and that he can exercise some self control if he is able to pay attention.
Lily also played hostess today and loved it! She asked more than once if everyone was having a nice time (asking for a show of hands!), put food on plates and brought almost everything outside, all by herself. She was so proud to have been a help. It was amazing.
Hannon played happily with both of our visitors and didn't eat all the pizza before anyone else had had some! :-D He was also an amazing host. Polite, friendly and fun.
Harriet, and my lovely friend who babysat for me today (hey Sharon!), looked to have had an amazing time together too judging from the pictures! Harriet had looked forward to Sharon and Pepsi arriving all day so was quite happy for me to toddle off to my roller derby course without so much as a backwards glance!
Today I was so blessed.
Good friends. Lovely food. Fresh air. Roller skates. Love. Gratitude. Understanding. Learning. Happiness.
I'm pretty sure I could not ask for more.
Hope you all have a blessed week
N x
PS - UPDATE - Dominik has made some huge developmental leaps as a result of his brushing and movement therapy. For the first time ever he is becoming self-aware. The egocentricity, notable during toddler hood, is finally abating. He is starting to see that he is a part of a system and not alone in this place. He is taking better care of his immediate environment and is being more considerate than I had ever dared to hope for.
Small steps. Kind words. Patience.
Baby-wearing (28months, so not really a baby anymore!) my way through painting my garden furniture and cutting the grass!
Monday, 13 March 2017
UNschooling Life
This past week has been an enlightening experience.
We've felt energised by the warmer temperatures and the first signs of Spring so we've been out of the house more than in it I think. Just amazing. At last!
We've been to a park almost everyday and visited Wrest Park yesterday, (all with the Slackline). We even went swimming today. All 5 of us! It was so fun and it went so well. Proud moments.
One trip however, does stand out because it involved a life changing discussion for us all.
My youngest son and I went to 'town' (rare event) to visit the library and collect my new glasses. The other 3 children stayed at home with their nan so it was a treat to be out, just us two for a change.
We ran our errands and then decided to go to CEX and look at the games because H had some birthday money to spend (from his Dad!). He spent £6.50 on two games and decided to give his change to the homeless man that had asked us for some just before we had entered the shop.
As he walked up to the man to give him his money, a lady walked past and shouted, "Get a f*C^ing job.". I felt so sad and angry and disappointed all at once. My stomach took a nosedive and I felt sick.
After several seconds, I realised that I was truly outraged. That someone could show such little compassion almost floored me. H didn't hear what she had said, but I was upset, and I repeated it to him. He was easily as angry as I was.
This event has led to several discussions over the following days about how this could have happened. When did it happen? Has it always been this way?
We have now discussed it at length, and we are all in agreement that the next time we should witness something like this, we should say something.
It is time to stand up and be heard.
The misfits. The hippies. The carers. The children. All of you (us).
It is incumbent upon us to act now. It is time.
We're not advocating anything other than being compassionate and empathetic during your daily lives. We should all be sharing our goodness and shining our own individual light on dark places and dark people and dark acts. Things have to change.
I have always wanted to be kind but I guess it is presented as something meek and gentle (not very me!), so is consequently seen as a weak characteristic.
I think it is time that 'being kind' was seen as also being a courageous and (sometimes) loud characteristic!
Why not? Why can't we be kind, loudly? Share your good deeds! Spread your fortune and count your blessings! Speak out against injustice. Don't just sign petitions! Use your voice.
Let's face it, we are the peacemakers! I know that it is so difficult to invite conflict into our lives. It is uncomfortable and stressful for us to 'draw attention' to ourselves. I truly understand. But it is time now.
Has society become so lost that it cannot even recognise kindness anymore? What if it has?
For me, this is what unschooling is all about. The impromptu lessons and experiences that are immeasurable in their impact.
What happened during these conversations is life long learning.
This week my children and I realised that being kind and empathetic are the lock and key to true happiness.
Sending out lots of love tonight,
N x
PS - A friend shared this with me once and it seems pertinent.
We've felt energised by the warmer temperatures and the first signs of Spring so we've been out of the house more than in it I think. Just amazing. At last!
We've been to a park almost everyday and visited Wrest Park yesterday, (all with the Slackline). We even went swimming today. All 5 of us! It was so fun and it went so well. Proud moments.
One trip however, does stand out because it involved a life changing discussion for us all.
My youngest son and I went to 'town' (rare event) to visit the library and collect my new glasses. The other 3 children stayed at home with their nan so it was a treat to be out, just us two for a change.
We ran our errands and then decided to go to CEX and look at the games because H had some birthday money to spend (from his Dad!). He spent £6.50 on two games and decided to give his change to the homeless man that had asked us for some just before we had entered the shop.
As he walked up to the man to give him his money, a lady walked past and shouted, "Get a f*C^ing job.". I felt so sad and angry and disappointed all at once. My stomach took a nosedive and I felt sick.
After several seconds, I realised that I was truly outraged. That someone could show such little compassion almost floored me. H didn't hear what she had said, but I was upset, and I repeated it to him. He was easily as angry as I was.
This event has led to several discussions over the following days about how this could have happened. When did it happen? Has it always been this way?
We have now discussed it at length, and we are all in agreement that the next time we should witness something like this, we should say something.
It is time to stand up and be heard.
The misfits. The hippies. The carers. The children. All of you (us).
It is incumbent upon us to act now. It is time.
We're not advocating anything other than being compassionate and empathetic during your daily lives. We should all be sharing our goodness and shining our own individual light on dark places and dark people and dark acts. Things have to change.
I have always wanted to be kind but I guess it is presented as something meek and gentle (not very me!), so is consequently seen as a weak characteristic.
I think it is time that 'being kind' was seen as also being a courageous and (sometimes) loud characteristic!
Why not? Why can't we be kind, loudly? Share your good deeds! Spread your fortune and count your blessings! Speak out against injustice. Don't just sign petitions! Use your voice.
Let's face it, we are the peacemakers! I know that it is so difficult to invite conflict into our lives. It is uncomfortable and stressful for us to 'draw attention' to ourselves. I truly understand. But it is time now.
Has society become so lost that it cannot even recognise kindness anymore? What if it has?
The following quote keeps me searching, learning, speaking out and acting.
For me, this is what unschooling is all about. The impromptu lessons and experiences that are immeasurable in their impact.
What happened during these conversations is life long learning.
This week my children and I realised that being kind and empathetic are the lock and key to true happiness.
Sending out lots of love tonight,
N x
PS - A friend shared this with me once and it seems pertinent.
Friday, 8 April 2016
Some of our unschooling wins!
I thought it was about time I mentioned a few recent unschooling wins!
Lily is now reading almost fluently and loving her new-found freedom. Not only is she better able to communicate with and understand the world around her, she is also brimming with a new level of confidence in her own ability to learn!
She has gone from reading simple children's bedtime stories, to young adult manga in a matter of weeks. She has revolutionised her own bedtimes in the process. She is now getting in to bed without any electronic media and she is reading (and sometimes drawing) until she feels tired. This doesn't mean we are without incident completely, every night, but it does mean it is far more manageable and that Lily is far calmer and happier.
We have talked again bedtimes as a family, but we are all agreed that they are working really well as they are and we all feel that we are benefiting from them in a positive way. This means we maintain the status quo. Yay!
Hannon and Lily get into bed at 9pm, with all electronics gone by 10pm and then reading for as long as you wish. Dominik stops gaming by 11pm and is in bed with his PS4 off by 12. He has chosen to have his tablet, as he will only read online. He is currently immersed in Undertale fan comics (more on this later).
Lily has also learnt to write by hand. This is something that has never come naturally to the boys, but Lily has taken to it like a duck to water. The boys are happier to type. Full stop. They do not have the skills at the moment to hold a pencil comfortably so typing is far quicker and feels nicer. They can both spell well and Dominik requested that I buy an Usborne book on spelling, punctuation, grammar etc. so he is actively learning some grammar! :-) Again though, Lily has picked up grammar very easily. In fact, I'm not sure we have even talked to each other about it. She may have heard me talking about it with the boys though. Either way, she rocks at punctuation! She wrote a note for my mum this week and it was simply beautiful. I will try and remember to upload a picture of it if that is ok with them. The envelope was even addressed - Beryl/Nanny - how lovely is that?
Lily has begun drawing her own little animations on her white board (her favourite and most used Christmas present by far!) almost continuously. She usually draws boys and girls and love hearts etc, but it is fabulous work.
She has been enjoying parkour and is a natural when she actually tries to be present during the lessons! Her physical abilities are extraordinary. She has also picked up some early tennis skills this week too.
I'm sure I could go on but I must tell you about the others.
Hannon has now learnt to use a second online animation programme. He is putting together little animations as well as making games. He is trying to perfect his YouTube intro at the moment. He has also made a few vlogs which seem to get more views than his gaming, much to his surprise!
Hannon has had a friend here for a sleepover this week and it went so well! There are usually a few skirmishes during a visit but this time, not one! Hannon was kind, thoughtful and generous without even a second thought. He allowed our guest to use his computer pretty much continuously whilst he was here. He said it was because his friend doesn't get to use one otherwise, as he only has gaming consoles. This made me think about how important it is that gaming consoles do not forever overshadow personal computers. We have found that having the ability to type on a keyboard makes a huge difference to communication skills and especially spelling abillity. (Google autofil is an issue though so best to turn that off!!) Lily does not have access to a keyboard and is using handwriting. I guess it just goes to show that where there is a will, there is a way.
Today Hannon typed 50 messages to Dominik during a livestream! 50 messages! He even typed one in the font 'Windings' because he thought it would be funny! He even searched for a translator to do it for him!!! Hilarious. Dominik loved it too.
Hannon likes to make and solve puzzles (they all do actually..hmmm, WE all do!) and we were gifted a 'Monster Book of Monsters' which was great for puzzle solving! If you aren't familiar with it, it is a book that featured in the Harry Potter book series that needed to be stroked in order for it to be opened. Well, this one needs a four part code to open it or it gobbles and growls at you with a cute little mouth. They all had marvellous fun setting new codes and trying to crack them! It was brilliant! Every time one of them cracked a code they would open the book, take out what was in the secret compartment, and then replace it with their own (by now) not so secret stuff and say, "This is my book now", to which I would reply, "No it isn't, it is still Hannon's.". They would then say, "But it can't be, only I know the code, so it's now mine!". How could you argue with that logic? So, the book currently belongs to the person who last set the code!
Hannon has been helping around the house completely voluntarily. He is also helping to choose meals with me every week because he is so fussy it is causing me too much stress now. He is helping me choose foods for him that he will eat. Today he ate....wait for it......KIMCHI!!! Yes, my 9 year old boy ate kimchi and asked for more when he was finished. I am so proud of him for trying it. I lived in South Korea when I was 21 and refused to even try it! He is amazing.
Ok...move on Natasha.
On to Dominik. He has been reducing his competitive gaming time gradually. He is realising what we already know and that is that he is far nicer to be around when he doesn't do it at all. I know. It truly sucks. He is gutted at the result of our experiment. I think we all are actually. We all want him to be able to play the games he adores but we have all seen that without them, he can function far easier. We think it is simply over-stimulation. He gets so agitated that he cannot manage anything else. Not even a conversation some days. He is playing fewer games and he is spending more time with me. He is also spending more time with Hannon, which Hannon loves.
He has continued with his physical exercises too and says that he hopes to return to parkour one day and to take up archery with Hannon and I. He is optimistic about the impending neuro-developmental therapy and is eager to get on with it.
What an incredible change. He is actually taking charge of his own well-being in a big way. He is embracing changes to himself like never before. I have talked to him about the possibility that his behaviour may change once he begins the therapy and he seems to understand that too. I am so proud of the leaps he is taking. He is also monitoring his diet and getting dressed and undressed at the end of each day. Not made much progress with bathing nor teeth brushing but baby steps are good.
Oh, yes! The Undertale fan comics! Dominik has begun writing Undertale (a new-ish game following on from FNAF) fan stories! It is called 'fanfiction' and he loves it! He has written at least two of his own so far. He brought one to me to read and I began talking to him about grammar and punctuation and the importance of structure for your story-telling. At first he was frustrated and cross and then he listened to me read his story without any punctuation and then again, but with some punctuation.
He immediately identified the difference and realised that his lack of 'theory of mind' was inhibiting him. He had assumed we would all read it how he does completely forgetting that we are NOT him!
Once I physically showed him what would happen to the reader, he understood immediately. Yay!
Just proves that practical, one to one support is priceless.
Especially with children who have communication difficulties.
NB - That ('communication difficulties') is NOT just a phrase for SEN advocates to bandy about! It actually means something! You must be practical in your teaching! It must be real! NOT realistic! It cannot be learnt via a make believe story, at least not to any real depth of understanding in my humble opinion. It MUST happen TO THEM. Not AT THEM. I am speaking from experience!
Domink has been taking strides I was unsure I would see.
And I suppose I should include Harriet?
Oh, ok then.
She is still, completely lovely. Today we had a baby visitor and she simply hugged and kissed him, and hugged and kissed him for about the first ten minutes of his visit. She just wanted to love him. It was quite obsessive and she was doing it with no prompting at all. It was beautiful. She's an empath of the highest order! You could see him visibly start to relax even in this new, strange, noisy environment. He left his mum without a glance and began smiling and playing happily as soon as she was done.
She is also walking! Yay! Oh man, she took a few steps in the week before Easter weekend and then on Easter Sunday she just walked! Over 50% of that day, she was on her feet. She was so proud and excited that she had finally got the hang of it! She is now only walking. Within two weeks she has gone from crawling to only walking. The downside is that she now does not want to go to sleep. Ever!! It is tiring me out a little but, meh, it'll pass and she is so happy I don't care! Today we went for a little walk to the end of the road and last week she walked around her first park, choosing her rides and her explorations. Harriet is truly content and happy with her life right now.
Her comprehension is excellent. There are very few daily routines that she doesn't comprehend now. She can communicate what she wants very effectively too. She rarely screams for attention but she does 'tantrum' if she doesn't get her way. I am hoping this will get better when she truly understands that I will let her do anything that does not pose a significant risk to her or us (or the cat)!
Harriet is a blessing as I always knew she would be. There is no love like the love from Harriet.
Ok, that's enough.
I'm exhausted and I want to snuggle with everyone before they get to sleep!
Love to you all from our unschooling bubble.
N x
Lily is now reading almost fluently and loving her new-found freedom. Not only is she better able to communicate with and understand the world around her, she is also brimming with a new level of confidence in her own ability to learn!
She has gone from reading simple children's bedtime stories, to young adult manga in a matter of weeks. She has revolutionised her own bedtimes in the process. She is now getting in to bed without any electronic media and she is reading (and sometimes drawing) until she feels tired. This doesn't mean we are without incident completely, every night, but it does mean it is far more manageable and that Lily is far calmer and happier.
We have talked again bedtimes as a family, but we are all agreed that they are working really well as they are and we all feel that we are benefiting from them in a positive way. This means we maintain the status quo. Yay!
Hannon and Lily get into bed at 9pm, with all electronics gone by 10pm and then reading for as long as you wish. Dominik stops gaming by 11pm and is in bed with his PS4 off by 12. He has chosen to have his tablet, as he will only read online. He is currently immersed in Undertale fan comics (more on this later).
Lily has also learnt to write by hand. This is something that has never come naturally to the boys, but Lily has taken to it like a duck to water. The boys are happier to type. Full stop. They do not have the skills at the moment to hold a pencil comfortably so typing is far quicker and feels nicer. They can both spell well and Dominik requested that I buy an Usborne book on spelling, punctuation, grammar etc. so he is actively learning some grammar! :-) Again though, Lily has picked up grammar very easily. In fact, I'm not sure we have even talked to each other about it. She may have heard me talking about it with the boys though. Either way, she rocks at punctuation! She wrote a note for my mum this week and it was simply beautiful. I will try and remember to upload a picture of it if that is ok with them. The envelope was even addressed - Beryl/Nanny - how lovely is that?
Lily has begun drawing her own little animations on her white board (her favourite and most used Christmas present by far!) almost continuously. She usually draws boys and girls and love hearts etc, but it is fabulous work.
She has been enjoying parkour and is a natural when she actually tries to be present during the lessons! Her physical abilities are extraordinary. She has also picked up some early tennis skills this week too.
I'm sure I could go on but I must tell you about the others.
Hannon has now learnt to use a second online animation programme. He is putting together little animations as well as making games. He is trying to perfect his YouTube intro at the moment. He has also made a few vlogs which seem to get more views than his gaming, much to his surprise!
Hannon has had a friend here for a sleepover this week and it went so well! There are usually a few skirmishes during a visit but this time, not one! Hannon was kind, thoughtful and generous without even a second thought. He allowed our guest to use his computer pretty much continuously whilst he was here. He said it was because his friend doesn't get to use one otherwise, as he only has gaming consoles. This made me think about how important it is that gaming consoles do not forever overshadow personal computers. We have found that having the ability to type on a keyboard makes a huge difference to communication skills and especially spelling abillity. (Google autofil is an issue though so best to turn that off!!) Lily does not have access to a keyboard and is using handwriting. I guess it just goes to show that where there is a will, there is a way.
Today Hannon typed 50 messages to Dominik during a livestream! 50 messages! He even typed one in the font 'Windings' because he thought it would be funny! He even searched for a translator to do it for him!!! Hilarious. Dominik loved it too.
Hannon likes to make and solve puzzles (they all do actually..hmmm, WE all do!) and we were gifted a 'Monster Book of Monsters' which was great for puzzle solving! If you aren't familiar with it, it is a book that featured in the Harry Potter book series that needed to be stroked in order for it to be opened. Well, this one needs a four part code to open it or it gobbles and growls at you with a cute little mouth. They all had marvellous fun setting new codes and trying to crack them! It was brilliant! Every time one of them cracked a code they would open the book, take out what was in the secret compartment, and then replace it with their own (by now) not so secret stuff and say, "This is my book now", to which I would reply, "No it isn't, it is still Hannon's.". They would then say, "But it can't be, only I know the code, so it's now mine!". How could you argue with that logic? So, the book currently belongs to the person who last set the code!
Hannon has been helping around the house completely voluntarily. He is also helping to choose meals with me every week because he is so fussy it is causing me too much stress now. He is helping me choose foods for him that he will eat. Today he ate....wait for it......KIMCHI!!! Yes, my 9 year old boy ate kimchi and asked for more when he was finished. I am so proud of him for trying it. I lived in South Korea when I was 21 and refused to even try it! He is amazing.
Ok...move on Natasha.
On to Dominik. He has been reducing his competitive gaming time gradually. He is realising what we already know and that is that he is far nicer to be around when he doesn't do it at all. I know. It truly sucks. He is gutted at the result of our experiment. I think we all are actually. We all want him to be able to play the games he adores but we have all seen that without them, he can function far easier. We think it is simply over-stimulation. He gets so agitated that he cannot manage anything else. Not even a conversation some days. He is playing fewer games and he is spending more time with me. He is also spending more time with Hannon, which Hannon loves.
He has continued with his physical exercises too and says that he hopes to return to parkour one day and to take up archery with Hannon and I. He is optimistic about the impending neuro-developmental therapy and is eager to get on with it.
What an incredible change. He is actually taking charge of his own well-being in a big way. He is embracing changes to himself like never before. I have talked to him about the possibility that his behaviour may change once he begins the therapy and he seems to understand that too. I am so proud of the leaps he is taking. He is also monitoring his diet and getting dressed and undressed at the end of each day. Not made much progress with bathing nor teeth brushing but baby steps are good.
Oh, yes! The Undertale fan comics! Dominik has begun writing Undertale (a new-ish game following on from FNAF) fan stories! It is called 'fanfiction' and he loves it! He has written at least two of his own so far. He brought one to me to read and I began talking to him about grammar and punctuation and the importance of structure for your story-telling. At first he was frustrated and cross and then he listened to me read his story without any punctuation and then again, but with some punctuation.
He immediately identified the difference and realised that his lack of 'theory of mind' was inhibiting him. He had assumed we would all read it how he does completely forgetting that we are NOT him!
Once I physically showed him what would happen to the reader, he understood immediately. Yay!
Just proves that practical, one to one support is priceless.
Especially with children who have communication difficulties.
NB - That ('communication difficulties') is NOT just a phrase for SEN advocates to bandy about! It actually means something! You must be practical in your teaching! It must be real! NOT realistic! It cannot be learnt via a make believe story, at least not to any real depth of understanding in my humble opinion. It MUST happen TO THEM. Not AT THEM. I am speaking from experience!
Domink has been taking strides I was unsure I would see.
And I suppose I should include Harriet?
Oh, ok then.
She is still, completely lovely. Today we had a baby visitor and she simply hugged and kissed him, and hugged and kissed him for about the first ten minutes of his visit. She just wanted to love him. It was quite obsessive and she was doing it with no prompting at all. It was beautiful. She's an empath of the highest order! You could see him visibly start to relax even in this new, strange, noisy environment. He left his mum without a glance and began smiling and playing happily as soon as she was done.
She is also walking! Yay! Oh man, she took a few steps in the week before Easter weekend and then on Easter Sunday she just walked! Over 50% of that day, she was on her feet. She was so proud and excited that she had finally got the hang of it! She is now only walking. Within two weeks she has gone from crawling to only walking. The downside is that she now does not want to go to sleep. Ever!! It is tiring me out a little but, meh, it'll pass and she is so happy I don't care! Today we went for a little walk to the end of the road and last week she walked around her first park, choosing her rides and her explorations. Harriet is truly content and happy with her life right now.
Her comprehension is excellent. There are very few daily routines that she doesn't comprehend now. She can communicate what she wants very effectively too. She rarely screams for attention but she does 'tantrum' if she doesn't get her way. I am hoping this will get better when she truly understands that I will let her do anything that does not pose a significant risk to her or us (or the cat)!
Harriet is a blessing as I always knew she would be. There is no love like the love from Harriet.
Ok, that's enough.
I'm exhausted and I want to snuggle with everyone before they get to sleep!
Love to you all from our unschooling bubble.
N x
Monday, 25 January 2016
The bad and the good.
I have come to believe that after the bad comes the good.
I am not sure whether or not this is actually a philosophical question (a la Augustine) but for us, when there has been a true sh*t storm, there then comes a precious calm.
During this awkward time of such rampant and blatant persecution in our country (world?) (whether that be because of your religion, race, disability, sexual preference, choice to home educate etc etc etc) big things are happening.
In the last week I have spoken to three different parents who had just/were about to de-register their children from school.
It is almost as if, by way of their blatant persecution and singling out of the alternative education community (NSPCC report, the saddening, recent (but not current) story about the little boy in Wales, the supposed ' hidden' ulterior motive whereby parents mean to 'radicalise' children, Loose Women), the government have in fact created a tidal wave of people having a closer look at this area.
So, for home education, one of my passions, parents are actually considering the question on a massive scale. This is giving the home education community an unprecedented opportunity to discuss their choice rationally, animatedly and perhaps most importantly, logically (because the success of individualised learning is well known and should be the gold standard for every educational establishment, not just home education), In this article from 2010 in the Guardian newspaper, you can see this quite clearly.
So, yes, this full frontal assault has resulted in an amazing opportunity for everyone. Let's talk about it. Properly. Using evidence and experience and whilst feeling confident in our ability to make the best choice for our family. Let's not fight amongst ourselves.
It is really no one else's business how you and I as parents choose to educate our child/ren. We're all doing our best!
The major point to be taken from these kinds of massive, light-shedding events (specifically the home education events in this instance) is that all choices/options are valid. We can't like them all (some are truly horrifying indeed in the broadest sense of these events) but we have to respect peoples rights to make them all. It sucks at times, but mostly it is what makes us free. Choice, as they say in 'The Matrix', is the problem.
But, I digress, what inspired me to write this post in the first place, is my current experience with my kids.
This past week has been truly horrendous at times, ('throwing in the towel' kind of horrendous) but, that utter madness has been concluded with exactly the opposite degree of madness.
The level of achievement in my house right now!
The communication, the the life skills, positivity, learning ...you name it. I am so energised by the progress occurring in my house that I am hardly needing to sleep! For the first time in my life I am surviving on about 6 hours...and not feeling tired! Something must be fuelling me and I think it is the children.
Harriet is apparently in training to one day climb Mount Everest! She would surely be 'The World's Climbing Champion' ... in the under 12 months category!!! She is so fast, so sure footed and so determined. I simply stand by her and help her learn how to do it safely. It is heart-stoppingly nerve-racking but it is so worth it! She goes easily and confidently up the stairs now. She can get down from a bed. She attempts to climb up into her high chair and will push things around to climb somewhere she wants to go but can't!! She is also loving a set of little stackable eggs with a duckling in the middle. Watching her figure out how to do it is so fun. She also LOVES being read and sung to. 'Dear Zoo' and any song will do.
Lily has suddenly, and I mean over night, gone from not doing any maths to doing additions of three figure numbers, subtractions of three figure numbers and is beginning to understand the idea of 'times tables' and why they are helpful.
As an aside, I feel that school does this the wrong way around. They try to teach the times tables before children learn for themselves why they are good to learn! It is much easier when the child is motivated by their own experience to explain to them a new concept which they now know, will be helpful to them now, and in the future.
Dominik has yet to 'avoid' a single day of his physiotherapy work. He is still doing parkour. He too has suddenly found the relevant patterns in maths (but still won't work with any odd numbers!!!). He is also trying his hand at his first model kit. Loving it, but finding it challenging for his fine motor skills. Excellent! Oh, and he bought a comic with his own money! Unheard of. He is reading again.
(We realised tonight that we all have our own bookshelves..such a lovely moment.)
Hannon has just simply worked like a trojan on his coding. But, alas, I truly have no idea how well he is doing. I know that he is not nine yet, and that he began learning at the end of October after doing two tutorials with me, but is his progress considered 'good'?
Meh, who cares! Hannon is learning so much, so fast, and with so much enthusiasm that I do not think that the kindest measurement of this is one that means he feels he is in competition with anyone aside from himself! If he is happy with what he is learning, that is good enough for me. He is achieving to his highest possible standard. Brilliant.
He is also still attending Cubs after asking to quit in October! He's slightly wary but knows that I will allow him to stop at the end of any month if he wants to. But that has not happened yet!
He is actively enjoying things now. Partly because the pressure if off to stay and partly because the activities have suddenly become slightly more 'challenging' and it turns out, that he is excelling! Now that the number of 'games' that he doesn't know have decreased the tables have turned.
He has, on two occasions, been the only child to successfully complete both the co-ordinates task (he was also, coincidentally, the only child there who had not 'done them already') and the first aid task! He was STUNNED and so bloody proud. He really stands out among his peers when it comes to his ability to learn new skills (what we focus on most I guess...not what to learn, but how to learn) and the speed with which he can acquire them if he wants to.
He's a hidden, understated little gem. I cannot believe the grace with which he is growing up given that he is enveloped by two such demanding, strenuous siblings. He is my inspiration.
They all are. I just feel so privileged to be on this journey with them all.
To end, I have these motifs in my bedroom. Call me sentimental but they really do help.
Don't let anyone dull your sparkle
Be the change you wish to see in the world
She can do it
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain
When it rains look for rainbows, when it's dark, look for stars
I have more than those but they are the only ones I can read from where I am sitting! :-)
My hope is that you feel inspired by this to consider your own challenges and demands in a slightly different way for a moment or two.
Without the bad, I wouldn't have the good.
Sleep well.
N x
PS - I am tired now but I want to publish, so please excuse any typos. :-)
I am not sure whether or not this is actually a philosophical question (a la Augustine) but for us, when there has been a true sh*t storm, there then comes a precious calm.
During this awkward time of such rampant and blatant persecution in our country (world?) (whether that be because of your religion, race, disability, sexual preference, choice to home educate etc etc etc) big things are happening.
In the last week I have spoken to three different parents who had just/were about to de-register their children from school.
It is almost as if, by way of their blatant persecution and singling out of the alternative education community (NSPCC report, the saddening, recent (but not current) story about the little boy in Wales, the supposed ' hidden' ulterior motive whereby parents mean to 'radicalise' children, Loose Women), the government have in fact created a tidal wave of people having a closer look at this area.
So, for home education, one of my passions, parents are actually considering the question on a massive scale. This is giving the home education community an unprecedented opportunity to discuss their choice rationally, animatedly and perhaps most importantly, logically (because the success of individualised learning is well known and should be the gold standard for every educational establishment, not just home education), In this article from 2010 in the Guardian newspaper, you can see this quite clearly.
So, yes, this full frontal assault has resulted in an amazing opportunity for everyone. Let's talk about it. Properly. Using evidence and experience and whilst feeling confident in our ability to make the best choice for our family. Let's not fight amongst ourselves.
It is really no one else's business how you and I as parents choose to educate our child/ren. We're all doing our best!
The major point to be taken from these kinds of massive, light-shedding events (specifically the home education events in this instance) is that all choices/options are valid. We can't like them all (some are truly horrifying indeed in the broadest sense of these events) but we have to respect peoples rights to make them all. It sucks at times, but mostly it is what makes us free. Choice, as they say in 'The Matrix', is the problem.
But, I digress, what inspired me to write this post in the first place, is my current experience with my kids.
This past week has been truly horrendous at times, ('throwing in the towel' kind of horrendous) but, that utter madness has been concluded with exactly the opposite degree of madness.
The level of achievement in my house right now!
The communication, the the life skills, positivity, learning ...you name it. I am so energised by the progress occurring in my house that I am hardly needing to sleep! For the first time in my life I am surviving on about 6 hours...and not feeling tired! Something must be fuelling me and I think it is the children.
Harriet is apparently in training to one day climb Mount Everest! She would surely be 'The World's Climbing Champion' ... in the under 12 months category!!! She is so fast, so sure footed and so determined. I simply stand by her and help her learn how to do it safely. It is heart-stoppingly nerve-racking but it is so worth it! She goes easily and confidently up the stairs now. She can get down from a bed. She attempts to climb up into her high chair and will push things around to climb somewhere she wants to go but can't!! She is also loving a set of little stackable eggs with a duckling in the middle. Watching her figure out how to do it is so fun. She also LOVES being read and sung to. 'Dear Zoo' and any song will do.
Lily has suddenly, and I mean over night, gone from not doing any maths to doing additions of three figure numbers, subtractions of three figure numbers and is beginning to understand the idea of 'times tables' and why they are helpful.
As an aside, I feel that school does this the wrong way around. They try to teach the times tables before children learn for themselves why they are good to learn! It is much easier when the child is motivated by their own experience to explain to them a new concept which they now know, will be helpful to them now, and in the future.
Dominik has yet to 'avoid' a single day of his physiotherapy work. He is still doing parkour. He too has suddenly found the relevant patterns in maths (but still won't work with any odd numbers!!!). He is also trying his hand at his first model kit. Loving it, but finding it challenging for his fine motor skills. Excellent! Oh, and he bought a comic with his own money! Unheard of. He is reading again.
(We realised tonight that we all have our own bookshelves..such a lovely moment.)
Hannon has just simply worked like a trojan on his coding. But, alas, I truly have no idea how well he is doing. I know that he is not nine yet, and that he began learning at the end of October after doing two tutorials with me, but is his progress considered 'good'?
Meh, who cares! Hannon is learning so much, so fast, and with so much enthusiasm that I do not think that the kindest measurement of this is one that means he feels he is in competition with anyone aside from himself! If he is happy with what he is learning, that is good enough for me. He is achieving to his highest possible standard. Brilliant.
He is also still attending Cubs after asking to quit in October! He's slightly wary but knows that I will allow him to stop at the end of any month if he wants to. But that has not happened yet!
He is actively enjoying things now. Partly because the pressure if off to stay and partly because the activities have suddenly become slightly more 'challenging' and it turns out, that he is excelling! Now that the number of 'games' that he doesn't know have decreased the tables have turned.
He has, on two occasions, been the only child to successfully complete both the co-ordinates task (he was also, coincidentally, the only child there who had not 'done them already') and the first aid task! He was STUNNED and so bloody proud. He really stands out among his peers when it comes to his ability to learn new skills (what we focus on most I guess...not what to learn, but how to learn) and the speed with which he can acquire them if he wants to.
He's a hidden, understated little gem. I cannot believe the grace with which he is growing up given that he is enveloped by two such demanding, strenuous siblings. He is my inspiration.
They all are. I just feel so privileged to be on this journey with them all.
To end, I have these motifs in my bedroom. Call me sentimental but they really do help.
Don't let anyone dull your sparkle
Be the change you wish to see in the world
She can do it
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain
When it rains look for rainbows, when it's dark, look for stars
I have more than those but they are the only ones I can read from where I am sitting! :-)
My hope is that you feel inspired by this to consider your own challenges and demands in a slightly different way for a moment or two.
Without the bad, I wouldn't have the good.
Sleep well.
N x
PS - I am tired now but I want to publish, so please excuse any typos. :-)
Saturday, 5 September 2015
A kind of 'Unschool'?
So, I've been thinking a lot about school as I am surrounded by reminders of it right now.
What if there was a kind of school where it was no longer necessary to use our chosen 'labels'? We define and categorise all children in one way or another all the time. Whether it be by age, gender, ability, religion, special educational needs, levels of potential attainment etc etc.
Surely by using these labels we are reinforcing the very need for these labels because we continue to categorise, and completely unintentionally, stigmatise, our children?
What if we had a school system that was by its very nature all-embracing? Where nobody was stigmatised. Would we not then grow a society that was also, all-embracing and non-stigmatising?
By removing categories that are essentially arbitrary choices of measurement anyway, we would be more open to measuring children (and society) in more meaningful ways.
Do our adopted measurements and categories really tell us what we need to know about our children anyway?
Would it not be nicer to offer our children a far wider choice of how they spend their time? Would it not be far easier to STOP categorising our children in unhelpful ways and START letting them find their own groups and interests?
By letting children choose their activities to a far greater extent, surely we would then see a whole different set of categories emerge? These categories would paint a beautifully intricate and interesting pattern I am certain of it.
My sociology head says it would be fascinating to watch and see what happened to a self-selecting group of children if given free-reign within a larger learning arena. Would they grow up to become dissatisfied adults or wholesome, well-rounded individuals? Would they be in jobs they hate or would they be following their passion?
Imagine, a group of kids (self selected with no restrictions other than total number and geographical location...although, Skype live would be a great idea too), who get told that today they have a range of options, for 8 hours: gaming, gardening, science experiments, treasure-hunting, decorating, reading, astronomy, crafting, free playtime and the list goes on forever depending on what you can provide, and then imagine how the groups form and what we would learn about our children by letting them choose and then simply observing them?
When children are younger we spend a massive proportion of time simply observing them and not intervening all the time. Why does this suddenly stop? Why, at the age of 4 and a bit, do we suddenly feel the need to be directing them, when let's face it, up until this point they have all done (without exception) a pretty amazing job, with just their immediate family and a play-dates!
Woah...craziness, right? Kids learn without being drilled?! They just need to reach a certain level of emotional maturity for that particular skill to emerge?! They love to learn! Remember, a child learns more in the their first two years of life than they will learn in the rest of their life time put together!
All this got me to thinking about an Unschool.
The Unschool I imagine, would be a little like a nursery school where (some would argue) you meet your most authentic friends (because you are drawn together by common interests), you look forward to going in the morning, you laugh a lot and have fun too! At nursery school, you are not defined by something arbitrary that an adult has chosen for you.
I think nursery school is amazing by the way! I sent my middle son to nursery school. Admittedly, at first it was because I was afraid that something bad would happen between him and my PDA son if I didn't step in, but, in the end it was because I loved, loved, loved their ethos. I loved it so much that I became a parent governor (a big deal for someone like me who is so completely anti-social).
The nursery school environment, when done well, is all about choice and being yourself. I bet you could speak to hundreds of nursery school teachers and they would be far happier when talking about the children they interact with than those teachers you meet who are teaching older children. Why is that?
And, I think, children pretty much love nursery. Well, perhaps not all children and perhaps not all of them love it, but, even our very sensitive special needs children, can navigate nursery fairly competently.
It is when we step in with all our 'categories' and 'definitions' that things begin to go awry.
I imagine no age categories, no ability categories, no special needs categories.
I imagine free play and movement. I imagine respect and compromise and discussion. I imagine natural consequences.
All of the above can only happen in a safe environment too by the way.
One that is without arbitrary 'rules' and 'regulations' and 'targets'. Where learning can move with the free flow of ideas and people. Those arbitrary measures we all cling to (hello Ofsted) are dooming our children and their futures because they refuse to evolve.
In my Unschool I don't see name calling nor bullying. I don't see local government funding issues. I don't see 'special measures'. I don't see homework (unless you want to of course and then yay! We'll help in any way we can!). I don't see 'lunch times' across the group. I don't see punishments. I don't see rewards. I don't see compulsory lessons.
In my Unschool everyone is exactly where they are meant to be. They can be tested if they desire but their level of achievement shall be measured by their own standards for themselves. Adults, of course can give their input and opinion, but the choice of whether or not to be happy about any changes rests solely with the child. If that success means only sitting and reading in the same room as other people, then that is completely fine. If that success is arriving earlier/later, then so be it.
In my Unschool, if a parent chooses to stay, then that is excellent but they must be willing to participate in the activities the children are doing if asked to. THIS IS NOT A COFFEE SHOP.
Perhaps adults would even be willing to share their own areas of expertise and hobbies. Imagine what diversity that would bring to the learning environment? I find that the best teachers are those who know their subject and their audience. Appropriately vetted, self-selecting adults would be so very welcome.
In my Unschool there would be no uniform. There would be no seat (unless you wanted one). There would be no compulsory hair styles nor shoes. There would be as many sensory rooms as classrooms.
In my imagination it would be like an official Unschool.
And, as every unschooler knows, at the very heart of the Unschool would be the children who make it all happen.
I love working with, learning from and being around children and young people.
I think we as adults are very quick to complain that children are becoming 'lazy', 'greedy', 'ungrateful', 'unskilled', 'unhappy' and 'unprepared' etc for their future as adults, but what are we really doing to change that?
We need to be radical in our thinking. We need to start giving back to our children so they can feel empowered and capable again. This summer has been the most amazing one we have ever had. My four children have just blossomed since I fully embraced the idea that living peacefully and respectfully is the best way to go.
Now that our learning environment is becoming calmer and more joyous, the learning is blooming.
Domink has been to two classes in the past week. Two! That is more than he has EVER achieved before and we haven't even been brave enough to try since 2011. This week he went to make sushi and he had his first parkour lesson. He was STUNNING. He surpassed his own expectations with how well the events went. We talked about it a lot before he went and he was confident that he would perform well under the 'pressure' (his words, not mine) but he would not guarantee that he would manage it all. He had to go outside for a little run towards the end of the first hour of the sushi but that was all. He did it. He did not need any support at all during the parkour class which was 2 HOURS. Just incredible.
This is really thanks to unschooling. It is a miraculous learning style. It proves the adage that all children will do well if given the tools and environment in which to do so. Those who know Domink will understand the magnitude of what he has achieved.
Hannon has been learning how to code his own game in MIT's Scratch Programming Tool. I do not have the words to describe his dedication, his skills, his patience, his determination and his problem solving abilities during these past 10 days. What this has done for his confidence is incredible. If he were an adult who learnt a new skill this fast and applied it for the number of hours he has and with the attention to detail that Hannon has given to this, they would give him a pay rise!
Lily has been the exception. Right now she is not steady at all. I think she is finding it frustrating to not have the skills she needs to accomplish the things she wants to. 'The Sims' for example. She really wants to play it and every time we try to do it together, by the time she has finished designing the characters (again, for the fourth time) she doesn't actually want to play the game any more! This means we are getting nowhere when what she really wants is to start helping them 'live'. When we eventually have a family she is happy with, we will move on and she will have the most amazing variety of social stories made of her choosing. It will be a very useful learning tool for her when she is ready and I'm sure it won't be long given how much we're practising!
Harriet has cut two teeth with two close on their heels as she reaches her 6 and half month. She is sitting up competently and moving from her bum into the crawling position (where she does that baby rock...hahahaha) and she is trying to pull herself up! She has her first cold right now too, bless her little snuffles. She loves any food she tries during our baby led weaning. It is messy and fun!
So, an Unschool for everyone. What a thought.
Thanks as always, for reading.
N x
What if there was a kind of school where it was no longer necessary to use our chosen 'labels'? We define and categorise all children in one way or another all the time. Whether it be by age, gender, ability, religion, special educational needs, levels of potential attainment etc etc.
Surely by using these labels we are reinforcing the very need for these labels because we continue to categorise, and completely unintentionally, stigmatise, our children?
What if we had a school system that was by its very nature all-embracing? Where nobody was stigmatised. Would we not then grow a society that was also, all-embracing and non-stigmatising?
By removing categories that are essentially arbitrary choices of measurement anyway, we would be more open to measuring children (and society) in more meaningful ways.
Do our adopted measurements and categories really tell us what we need to know about our children anyway?
Would it not be nicer to offer our children a far wider choice of how they spend their time? Would it not be far easier to STOP categorising our children in unhelpful ways and START letting them find their own groups and interests?
By letting children choose their activities to a far greater extent, surely we would then see a whole different set of categories emerge? These categories would paint a beautifully intricate and interesting pattern I am certain of it.
My sociology head says it would be fascinating to watch and see what happened to a self-selecting group of children if given free-reign within a larger learning arena. Would they grow up to become dissatisfied adults or wholesome, well-rounded individuals? Would they be in jobs they hate or would they be following their passion?
NB - Whilst 'Lord of the Flies' jumps immediately to mind when seeing lots of children making their own decisions, let's remember that we will actually be there in this example, to participate!
Imagine, a group of kids (self selected with no restrictions other than total number and geographical location...although, Skype live would be a great idea too), who get told that today they have a range of options, for 8 hours: gaming, gardening, science experiments, treasure-hunting, decorating, reading, astronomy, crafting, free playtime and the list goes on forever depending on what you can provide, and then imagine how the groups form and what we would learn about our children by letting them choose and then simply observing them?
When children are younger we spend a massive proportion of time simply observing them and not intervening all the time. Why does this suddenly stop? Why, at the age of 4 and a bit, do we suddenly feel the need to be directing them, when let's face it, up until this point they have all done (without exception) a pretty amazing job, with just their immediate family and a play-dates!
Woah...craziness, right? Kids learn without being drilled?! They just need to reach a certain level of emotional maturity for that particular skill to emerge?! They love to learn! Remember, a child learns more in the their first two years of life than they will learn in the rest of their life time put together!
All this got me to thinking about an Unschool.
The Unschool I imagine, would be a little like a nursery school where (some would argue) you meet your most authentic friends (because you are drawn together by common interests), you look forward to going in the morning, you laugh a lot and have fun too! At nursery school, you are not defined by something arbitrary that an adult has chosen for you.
I think nursery school is amazing by the way! I sent my middle son to nursery school. Admittedly, at first it was because I was afraid that something bad would happen between him and my PDA son if I didn't step in, but, in the end it was because I loved, loved, loved their ethos. I loved it so much that I became a parent governor (a big deal for someone like me who is so completely anti-social).
The nursery school environment, when done well, is all about choice and being yourself. I bet you could speak to hundreds of nursery school teachers and they would be far happier when talking about the children they interact with than those teachers you meet who are teaching older children. Why is that?
And, I think, children pretty much love nursery. Well, perhaps not all children and perhaps not all of them love it, but, even our very sensitive special needs children, can navigate nursery fairly competently.
It is when we step in with all our 'categories' and 'definitions' that things begin to go awry.
I imagine no age categories, no ability categories, no special needs categories.
I imagine free play and movement. I imagine respect and compromise and discussion. I imagine natural consequences.
All of the above can only happen in a safe environment too by the way.
One that is without arbitrary 'rules' and 'regulations' and 'targets'. Where learning can move with the free flow of ideas and people. Those arbitrary measures we all cling to (hello Ofsted) are dooming our children and their futures because they refuse to evolve.
In my Unschool I don't see name calling nor bullying. I don't see local government funding issues. I don't see 'special measures'. I don't see homework (unless you want to of course and then yay! We'll help in any way we can!). I don't see 'lunch times' across the group. I don't see punishments. I don't see rewards. I don't see compulsory lessons.
In my Unschool everyone is exactly where they are meant to be. They can be tested if they desire but their level of achievement shall be measured by their own standards for themselves. Adults, of course can give their input and opinion, but the choice of whether or not to be happy about any changes rests solely with the child. If that success means only sitting and reading in the same room as other people, then that is completely fine. If that success is arriving earlier/later, then so be it.
In my Unschool, if a parent chooses to stay, then that is excellent but they must be willing to participate in the activities the children are doing if asked to. THIS IS NOT A COFFEE SHOP.
Perhaps adults would even be willing to share their own areas of expertise and hobbies. Imagine what diversity that would bring to the learning environment? I find that the best teachers are those who know their subject and their audience. Appropriately vetted, self-selecting adults would be so very welcome.
In my Unschool there would be no uniform. There would be no seat (unless you wanted one). There would be no compulsory hair styles nor shoes. There would be as many sensory rooms as classrooms.
In my imagination it would be like an official Unschool.
And, as every unschooler knows, at the very heart of the Unschool would be the children who make it all happen.
I love working with, learning from and being around children and young people.
I think we as adults are very quick to complain that children are becoming 'lazy', 'greedy', 'ungrateful', 'unskilled', 'unhappy' and 'unprepared' etc for their future as adults, but what are we really doing to change that?
We need to be radical in our thinking. We need to start giving back to our children so they can feel empowered and capable again. This summer has been the most amazing one we have ever had. My four children have just blossomed since I fully embraced the idea that living peacefully and respectfully is the best way to go.
Now that our learning environment is becoming calmer and more joyous, the learning is blooming.
Domink has been to two classes in the past week. Two! That is more than he has EVER achieved before and we haven't even been brave enough to try since 2011. This week he went to make sushi and he had his first parkour lesson. He was STUNNING. He surpassed his own expectations with how well the events went. We talked about it a lot before he went and he was confident that he would perform well under the 'pressure' (his words, not mine) but he would not guarantee that he would manage it all. He had to go outside for a little run towards the end of the first hour of the sushi but that was all. He did it. He did not need any support at all during the parkour class which was 2 HOURS. Just incredible.
This is really thanks to unschooling. It is a miraculous learning style. It proves the adage that all children will do well if given the tools and environment in which to do so. Those who know Domink will understand the magnitude of what he has achieved.
Hannon has been learning how to code his own game in MIT's Scratch Programming Tool. I do not have the words to describe his dedication, his skills, his patience, his determination and his problem solving abilities during these past 10 days. What this has done for his confidence is incredible. If he were an adult who learnt a new skill this fast and applied it for the number of hours he has and with the attention to detail that Hannon has given to this, they would give him a pay rise!
Lily has been the exception. Right now she is not steady at all. I think she is finding it frustrating to not have the skills she needs to accomplish the things she wants to. 'The Sims' for example. She really wants to play it and every time we try to do it together, by the time she has finished designing the characters (again, for the fourth time) she doesn't actually want to play the game any more! This means we are getting nowhere when what she really wants is to start helping them 'live'. When we eventually have a family she is happy with, we will move on and she will have the most amazing variety of social stories made of her choosing. It will be a very useful learning tool for her when she is ready and I'm sure it won't be long given how much we're practising!
Harriet has cut two teeth with two close on their heels as she reaches her 6 and half month. She is sitting up competently and moving from her bum into the crawling position (where she does that baby rock...hahahaha) and she is trying to pull herself up! She has her first cold right now too, bless her little snuffles. She loves any food she tries during our baby led weaning. It is messy and fun!
So, an Unschool for everyone. What a thought.
Thanks as always, for reading.
N x
Tuesday, 12 May 2015
Observation without assumption
Sunday we had a visitor.
Ordinarily this would not be blog worthy material but, I mention it (mostly) because she has been such an important part of our journey (and instrumental in furthering my understanding of my children), and also because she is such an inspirational lady.
Her name is Felicity Evans. Yes, I have mentioned her before here in my blog-life, but she certainly deserves another mention today. Her visits are fleeting and far between due to the fact that she still works full-time at Nature Kids whilst also watching over some of those children who have long since left her care and can no longer even be called children!
I open the door to find her laden with bags (as always)! She has a plethora of outdoor toys (shuttle cocks, hula hoops, bats, balls, boomerangs and more), clothes for Harriet and healthy snacks for all (serving to remind me that I must do better in this regard). She never fails to delight us all upon her arrival. She seems to have an instinct for what we all want/need and I marvel at her intuition.
A visit from Felicity is valuable for me on so many levels. She 'sees' my children for one! Such a revelation. She also never fails to notice just how intricately I manage my household (reminding me that true professionals make whatever it is they are doing look easy). She delights in mine and my children's idiosyncrasies and allows us all to be completely ourselves.
Let's flash to when she drew up for a moment in order to illustrate this better.
I want to paint a picture of what Dominik was doing, literally, as he watched her pull up in her car.
Background -
His little brother broke his television a couple of months ago so, I put a claim to our insurance company and was given the money to replace it. I did this and I 'upgraded' it while I was at it. It is much bigger and has much better picture quality than his old one did.
The picture quality is where the problem has arisen and Dominik is convinced he should have the new television because 'he cares more about the graphics' and his 'PS4 has the ability to make use of those better graphics and the PS3 doesn't'.
Both of these things are indeed true.
However, Dominik was offered a new television at Christmas which he turned down in favour of the PS4. Fair enough. End of discussion as far as I am concerned.
Fast forward to Sunday.
Dominik begins chasing Hannon around the house screaming and swearing at the top of his voice, that he is going to swap the television for his and that is that. We have already been over this dozens of times at this point and Dominik knows that I am NOT going to change my mind. For once, Hannon is going to have something brand new and excellent all for himself.
So, I open my front door as I run past it (baby in arms) trying to intercept Dominik and free Hannon before it turns violent. I scream "Come in!" as I pass. Dominik now has Hannon cornered in the kitchen where he is cowering under the table. Bugger.
I manage to put myself between them for long enough that Hannon can escape back upstairs to sanctuary.
Felicity has come in and as she enters the kitchen. I introduce her to Harriet. Meanwhile, Dominik is still swearing and shouting at me about the television.
I do my best to empathise and console him (this works most of the time) but to no avail. He drops to the floor and crawls under the table. I try to coax him out with promises of pineapple and strawberries and by encouraging him to smile at Harriet, but he is having none of it today. Oh well. I look at Felicity and she beckons me to leave him be, so I do.
We continue our 'Hello's' and within about 3 minutes Dominik has crawled out from under the table (perhps sensing that it is safe to do so?), with his hand covering his face declaring that he doesn't want to see anyone and just wants to be alone. We watch him go.
Felicity then quietly comments on how calmly I handled the situation and, more importantly, she points out how amazingly quickly and well Dominik handled the situation and was able to self-regulate and calm himself down.
She is right. In recent weeks Dominik has been far more capable of regulating himself on lots of levels (although not all as the incident in the woods evidenced). He no longer eats copious amounts of rubbish food, he steps away from the screen when he needs to, he comes out with us far more regularly (provided it is not too far in the car), he showers when he thinks he needs to (this isn't anywhere near as often as I think he needs to, but, well, it's a start) and he knows what actions to take when he feels himself losing control.
What an amazing achievement! Some people arrive at adulthood, with no special needs whatsoever and can't manage to do that.
Thank you Felicity for helping me consciously observe Dominik.
Thanks for reading and please, if you have any thoughts, please do share them in the comments or by email.
Take good care.
N x
Ordinarily this would not be blog worthy material but, I mention it (mostly) because she has been such an important part of our journey (and instrumental in furthering my understanding of my children), and also because she is such an inspirational lady.
Her name is Felicity Evans. Yes, I have mentioned her before here in my blog-life, but she certainly deserves another mention today. Her visits are fleeting and far between due to the fact that she still works full-time at Nature Kids whilst also watching over some of those children who have long since left her care and can no longer even be called children!
I open the door to find her laden with bags (as always)! She has a plethora of outdoor toys (shuttle cocks, hula hoops, bats, balls, boomerangs and more), clothes for Harriet and healthy snacks for all (serving to remind me that I must do better in this regard). She never fails to delight us all upon her arrival. She seems to have an instinct for what we all want/need and I marvel at her intuition.
A visit from Felicity is valuable for me on so many levels. She 'sees' my children for one! Such a revelation. She also never fails to notice just how intricately I manage my household (reminding me that true professionals make whatever it is they are doing look easy). She delights in mine and my children's idiosyncrasies and allows us all to be completely ourselves.
Let's flash to when she drew up for a moment in order to illustrate this better.
I want to paint a picture of what Dominik was doing, literally, as he watched her pull up in her car.
Background -
His little brother broke his television a couple of months ago so, I put a claim to our insurance company and was given the money to replace it. I did this and I 'upgraded' it while I was at it. It is much bigger and has much better picture quality than his old one did.
The picture quality is where the problem has arisen and Dominik is convinced he should have the new television because 'he cares more about the graphics' and his 'PS4 has the ability to make use of those better graphics and the PS3 doesn't'.
Both of these things are indeed true.
However, Dominik was offered a new television at Christmas which he turned down in favour of the PS4. Fair enough. End of discussion as far as I am concerned.
Fast forward to Sunday.
Dominik begins chasing Hannon around the house screaming and swearing at the top of his voice, that he is going to swap the television for his and that is that. We have already been over this dozens of times at this point and Dominik knows that I am NOT going to change my mind. For once, Hannon is going to have something brand new and excellent all for himself.
So, I open my front door as I run past it (baby in arms) trying to intercept Dominik and free Hannon before it turns violent. I scream "Come in!" as I pass. Dominik now has Hannon cornered in the kitchen where he is cowering under the table. Bugger.
I manage to put myself between them for long enough that Hannon can escape back upstairs to sanctuary.
Felicity has come in and as she enters the kitchen. I introduce her to Harriet. Meanwhile, Dominik is still swearing and shouting at me about the television.
I do my best to empathise and console him (this works most of the time) but to no avail. He drops to the floor and crawls under the table. I try to coax him out with promises of pineapple and strawberries and by encouraging him to smile at Harriet, but he is having none of it today. Oh well. I look at Felicity and she beckons me to leave him be, so I do.
We continue our 'Hello's' and within about 3 minutes Dominik has crawled out from under the table (perhps sensing that it is safe to do so?), with his hand covering his face declaring that he doesn't want to see anyone and just wants to be alone. We watch him go.
Felicity then quietly comments on how calmly I handled the situation and, more importantly, she points out how amazingly quickly and well Dominik handled the situation and was able to self-regulate and calm himself down.
She is right. In recent weeks Dominik has been far more capable of regulating himself on lots of levels (although not all as the incident in the woods evidenced). He no longer eats copious amounts of rubbish food, he steps away from the screen when he needs to, he comes out with us far more regularly (provided it is not too far in the car), he showers when he thinks he needs to (this isn't anywhere near as often as I think he needs to, but, well, it's a start) and he knows what actions to take when he feels himself losing control.
What an amazing achievement! Some people arrive at adulthood, with no special needs whatsoever and can't manage to do that.
Thank you Felicity for helping me consciously observe Dominik.
Thanks for reading and please, if you have any thoughts, please do share them in the comments or by email.
Take good care.
N x
Friday, 12 December 2014
Misunderstanding and Prejudice.
As a mum of extra-ordinary, special needs children, it is increasingly difficult for me to read countless stories on a daily basis about the amount of misunderstanding and prejudice that is out there in the world of 'professionals'
Everyday I am corresponding with mothers (and some fathers) who are at the end of their tether (and sanity in some cases) when it comes to trying to communicate the needs of their children with those who are meant to be helping them.
There is a stunning lack of empathy and understanding amongst professionals when it comes to supporting a child's sensory, emotional and physical needs. This is particularly evident in the educational establishment, not to mention the paediatric setting and don't even get me started on Social Services.
Let me preface my criticism with this thought - of course there are some amazing professionals out there in the country (and world) but unfortunately they are few and far between. Couple this lack of professional understanding with a parents lack of medical vocabulary, and it can get very adversarial very quickly with the parent often being blamed for their child's needs.
The parents I am corresponding with are telling me that those charged with the safety, education and well-being of their children are simply not listening to them.
They are almost unanimous in their cries of, "They think I'm a bad parent." "They say I lack the skills to the manage my child effectively." "They think he/she is just naughty/attention seeking/dramatic/uncooperative." And the list goes on and is exacerbated by a further lack of adequate diagnosis from the paediatric teams. This is particularly true in the case of Pathological Demand Avoidance which is not in the manual and is therefore 'not even a real condition' but simply a parents excuse for poor behaviour. As a side note, not all parts of the country refuse to diagnose PDA making it even harder for parents to figure out where to turn.
Parents often face the above charges without the professional having spent much more than a few hours with their child and even when parents present video evidence, behaviour diaries and testimony from others who care for their child they are still ignored. How can this be?
The professional literature would have us believe that WE are the experts on our children (and of course, we are) and yet in reality, we are ridiculed, belittled and patronised and, more often than not, sent on parenting courses which, in my opinion, is the worst insult of all, especially if you are the parent of more than one child and the others are 'conforming' and 'behaving well' with no obvious difficulties. Surely this alone indicates that it is not the fault of the parent?
My son has Sensory Processing Disorder (a condition commonly diagnosed alongside an ASD) and he often needs deep pressure, movement breaks, quiet time, something to chew or fiddle with and more sensory feedback from his environment (a sensory diet). He can react violently to loud noises, bright lights, too many people and strong smells. As his mum, I know what might cause extreme reactions and I am able to monitor and control his environment when necessary to avoid the sensory overload. I know when he needs his ear-defenders or his chewing gum or even a great big squeeze!
I don't think these adaptations are unreasonable if it allows him to regulate himself and participate in 'normal' activities! They are a necessary part of his 'therapy' and have a huge impact on his behaviour. I think they should be respected, just as you would allow a diabetic to take their insulin, or a wheelchair user to be able to use a lift. Just because they are not visible, it does not mean they are not real.
Now, why can't the professionals accept and meet these needs too? If my son were at school, I would send him armed with a list of strategies and techniques to give to the professionals in order to help them understand and support him. I would give them a very long tip sheet about PDA and how best to get him on board with any given task so that he stands the best chance of being able to comply and enjoy what he is doing. What parent wouldn't?
However, the chances are, my carefully though-out tip sheet and long list of successful strategies would be ignored/forgotten in amongst the mass of other tasks that teachers/TA's have to do in a day.
Fair enough, I guess. They do have a lot to do (and lots of other needs to take into account) but, if they do not utilise our suggestions, surely the resulting punishment of our children is discrimination? They are inevitably punishing our children for their disability! How can this ever be acceptable?
I read about illegal exclusions and draconian punishments DAILY which are a direct result of teachers and TA's being unable to meet the needs of our very special children. I admit, these needs are high, but the professionals have a duty of care, and they accept that duty of care and when they fail to meet the standard of care our children deserve, what are the consequences?
The consequences are disastrous. Not only for the teachers, TA's and other children affected during the school day, but also for the child in question and just as importantly, for the child's family when the school day ends.
When that child goes home they will need to release all that tension, frustration, upset and sensory overload somehow. They will more often than not, explode through the door at home and unleash a storm of fury and pent up anger all over their loved ones.
And here enters another 'professional' who, when told about this set of behaviours, instantly thinks that there must therefore be a problem at home! How ludicrous! How uninformed! How insulting!
No, Mr or Mrs Professional, this does not mean there must be a problem at home. On the contrary in fact, it means that home is where this child feels safe enough to let it all 'hang out'. This is where they can release and be themselves without fear of punishment, ridicule or reprisal for their behaviour.
Home is where all of the unmet needs of the day manifest into behaviours which communicate just how badly that child has been failed by their care-givers during their day.
Parents have to deal with the fall out of a failing system only to be told that their parenting is at fault! That their child's behaviour is a result of their lack of boundaries and training on their part.
Sigh.
It is such a soul destroying situation for these parents. Not only is their child being failed, but now they are being blamed for that failure.
How can we begin to address this issue?
Well, I think, knowledge, knowledge and more knowledge is the only realistic and long-term answer.
Gathering this knowledge from caring, empathetic professionals (Jude Seaward and Felicity Evans to name two I know of), other parents, adults with special needs (who have long since left behind their school days) and of course, listening to our children, is the best way forward.
Places like The Avenue, and volunteers like Joanne, Elaine and Sarah, who are dedicated to expanding the knowledge of parents and carers, is the future.
It is groups like The Avenue that will make the difference to our children by empowering parents and informing professionals.
It is only when parents are given the confidence and appropriate vocabulary that they will be able to effectively advocate for the rights of their special children.
So, please, please, please, spread the word.
Share your experiences.
Share your knowledge.
Share your thoughts and feelings.
Share with anyone who will listen.
Do not be embarrassed (or shy) about disagreeing with a 'professional'.
Do not be intimidated by their qualifications.
Do not let them claim that they know better than you if what they are saying goes against your instincts and ignores your knowledge of your child.
Trust yourself. Get informed. Ask questions.
Be the best advocate you can be.
N x
Everyday I am corresponding with mothers (and some fathers) who are at the end of their tether (and sanity in some cases) when it comes to trying to communicate the needs of their children with those who are meant to be helping them.
There is a stunning lack of empathy and understanding amongst professionals when it comes to supporting a child's sensory, emotional and physical needs. This is particularly evident in the educational establishment, not to mention the paediatric setting and don't even get me started on Social Services.
Let me preface my criticism with this thought - of course there are some amazing professionals out there in the country (and world) but unfortunately they are few and far between. Couple this lack of professional understanding with a parents lack of medical vocabulary, and it can get very adversarial very quickly with the parent often being blamed for their child's needs.
The parents I am corresponding with are telling me that those charged with the safety, education and well-being of their children are simply not listening to them.
They are almost unanimous in their cries of, "They think I'm a bad parent." "They say I lack the skills to the manage my child effectively." "They think he/she is just naughty/attention seeking/dramatic/uncooperative." And the list goes on and is exacerbated by a further lack of adequate diagnosis from the paediatric teams. This is particularly true in the case of Pathological Demand Avoidance which is not in the manual and is therefore 'not even a real condition' but simply a parents excuse for poor behaviour. As a side note, not all parts of the country refuse to diagnose PDA making it even harder for parents to figure out where to turn.
Parents often face the above charges without the professional having spent much more than a few hours with their child and even when parents present video evidence, behaviour diaries and testimony from others who care for their child they are still ignored. How can this be?
The professional literature would have us believe that WE are the experts on our children (and of course, we are) and yet in reality, we are ridiculed, belittled and patronised and, more often than not, sent on parenting courses which, in my opinion, is the worst insult of all, especially if you are the parent of more than one child and the others are 'conforming' and 'behaving well' with no obvious difficulties. Surely this alone indicates that it is not the fault of the parent?
My son has Sensory Processing Disorder (a condition commonly diagnosed alongside an ASD) and he often needs deep pressure, movement breaks, quiet time, something to chew or fiddle with and more sensory feedback from his environment (a sensory diet). He can react violently to loud noises, bright lights, too many people and strong smells. As his mum, I know what might cause extreme reactions and I am able to monitor and control his environment when necessary to avoid the sensory overload. I know when he needs his ear-defenders or his chewing gum or even a great big squeeze!
I don't think these adaptations are unreasonable if it allows him to regulate himself and participate in 'normal' activities! They are a necessary part of his 'therapy' and have a huge impact on his behaviour. I think they should be respected, just as you would allow a diabetic to take their insulin, or a wheelchair user to be able to use a lift. Just because they are not visible, it does not mean they are not real.
Now, why can't the professionals accept and meet these needs too? If my son were at school, I would send him armed with a list of strategies and techniques to give to the professionals in order to help them understand and support him. I would give them a very long tip sheet about PDA and how best to get him on board with any given task so that he stands the best chance of being able to comply and enjoy what he is doing. What parent wouldn't?
However, the chances are, my carefully though-out tip sheet and long list of successful strategies would be ignored/forgotten in amongst the mass of other tasks that teachers/TA's have to do in a day.
Fair enough, I guess. They do have a lot to do (and lots of other needs to take into account) but, if they do not utilise our suggestions, surely the resulting punishment of our children is discrimination? They are inevitably punishing our children for their disability! How can this ever be acceptable?
I read about illegal exclusions and draconian punishments DAILY which are a direct result of teachers and TA's being unable to meet the needs of our very special children. I admit, these needs are high, but the professionals have a duty of care, and they accept that duty of care and when they fail to meet the standard of care our children deserve, what are the consequences?
The consequences are disastrous. Not only for the teachers, TA's and other children affected during the school day, but also for the child in question and just as importantly, for the child's family when the school day ends.
When that child goes home they will need to release all that tension, frustration, upset and sensory overload somehow. They will more often than not, explode through the door at home and unleash a storm of fury and pent up anger all over their loved ones.
And here enters another 'professional' who, when told about this set of behaviours, instantly thinks that there must therefore be a problem at home! How ludicrous! How uninformed! How insulting!
No, Mr or Mrs Professional, this does not mean there must be a problem at home. On the contrary in fact, it means that home is where this child feels safe enough to let it all 'hang out'. This is where they can release and be themselves without fear of punishment, ridicule or reprisal for their behaviour.
Home is where all of the unmet needs of the day manifest into behaviours which communicate just how badly that child has been failed by their care-givers during their day.
Parents have to deal with the fall out of a failing system only to be told that their parenting is at fault! That their child's behaviour is a result of their lack of boundaries and training on their part.
Sigh.
It is such a soul destroying situation for these parents. Not only is their child being failed, but now they are being blamed for that failure.
How can we begin to address this issue?
Well, I think, knowledge, knowledge and more knowledge is the only realistic and long-term answer.
Gathering this knowledge from caring, empathetic professionals (Jude Seaward and Felicity Evans to name two I know of), other parents, adults with special needs (who have long since left behind their school days) and of course, listening to our children, is the best way forward.
Places like The Avenue, and volunteers like Joanne, Elaine and Sarah, who are dedicated to expanding the knowledge of parents and carers, is the future.
It is groups like The Avenue that will make the difference to our children by empowering parents and informing professionals.
It is only when parents are given the confidence and appropriate vocabulary that they will be able to effectively advocate for the rights of their special children.
So, please, please, please, spread the word.
Share your experiences.
Share your knowledge.
Share your thoughts and feelings.
Share with anyone who will listen.
Do not be embarrassed (or shy) about disagreeing with a 'professional'.
Do not be intimidated by their qualifications.
Do not let them claim that they know better than you if what they are saying goes against your instincts and ignores your knowledge of your child.
Trust yourself. Get informed. Ask questions.
Be the best advocate you can be.
N x
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