Progress

Something happened tonight.

I realised that my joy genuinely drives our family joy. When I am focussed and charged my energy seeps through everyone in my family. (My mum starts being complementary and butt-kissing so I know it must be there!)

For the past 5/6 weeks I have been obsessed with the idea of moving to another country within the next two years. This means that I have been binge learning Spanish, and trying to understand proofreading and transcription work, and I have taken (and passed with Distinction), an online TESOL course.

Being Autistic means I am capable of hyper-focus. Hyper-focus is in fact, my preferred state of being. I am learning so much that I can breeze through every other aspect of life. It's like my mind is so focussed on something positive, that everything else becomes very organised and almost military in its flow.

When I am truly inspired to do something I cannot help but focus on it. In this I am blessed.

So, over the past 5-ish weeks, I have taken great leaps towards achieving what I want for my family. The freedom to live anywhere we choose.

I have found many good online courses, for reasonable amounts of money, being delivered by people just like me! People who just gave their dream a real chance! I have found endless opportunities for work if I should choose to accept them. Proofreading, copy editing, captioning and transcription jobs are abundant! ESL teachers are in huge demand. The future is on the internet, which will lead onto the main point of this blog in a minute, but a quick aside.

(For a few years now I have despaired at ever being able to realise some of my own dreams. Now that is changing. Everything is aligned so that I can finally take another forward step.)

In my endless research into jobs, countries and lifestyles, I came across a job opportunity with a very famous game making company! It was not a job suited to my talents at all...but it was perfect for my oldest son. I sent him the link and he immediately came to me with ideas which I then submitted. He is buzzing with positive energy. He realised that he has a true talent in writing.

He can caption/vine/meme as if he were born to do it!

As he just said to me, ‘I’m overqualified for the internet!’ And he’s right! He has been information hungry since he came Earthside (and a fair bit before that too, to be fair) and his love of learning has been thoroughly sated by having access to the internet since he was very young. He was around 2 when he continually tried to break into our password protected pc (repeatedly and very often, ie every two minutes until someone caught him) so we had to show him how to use it or else we would not have had a pc anymore!

Dominik is the internet. He does not watch tv shows very much at all but he does read/play/investigate/learn, pretty much all day long. The internet is his environment. He understands it and moves in it as if he is a part of it.

Dominik is truly a child of the internet. He is discerning, open minded, generous, anarchistic, accepting, knowledgeable, witty and intelligent.

Writing comes so naturally to someone like Dominik who has done nothing but read since he taught himself at 3 years old by reading Thomas the Tank Engine by Rev. W Audrey (the original books not the new, simpler, modern versions).

Reading and English are his talents. I have always known this.

I am so grateful that I trusted him to know what was best for himself even when my entire being screamed, ‘nooooooooooooooooo’! Adn to be honest, still does on a regular basis.

Tonight I was overwhelmed with pride and confusion when once again unschooling/self directed learning triumphed over what can be an utterly paralysing condition.

I find myself trying to imagine what Domink would think of English and reading and IT, if he had been forced to read, write and learn what OTHERS thought he should for the majority of his time! It makes me feel so sad to think about it.

Dominik has been taking some online spelling/grammar/punctuation/typing, tests and he is finding them incredibly easy.

He is taking these with enthusiasm...a PDA child voluntary testing themselves. Who’d have thought it?! Well, anyone who has a working knowledge of PDA children and adults would definitely know this! When motivated to do something not much will get in their way so long as they are supported and nurtured through the process.

I guess my point is that, it takes huge leaps of faith to achieve the life you dream of but they are worth it. Do the work and pay attention to what gets you further along your path and the goal becomes less important. The path is what matters...it paves the way for the dreams.

Start leaping!

N x 

PS - Harriet has also said she'd like to give going to nursery another try...so here we go! 

 

UNschooling Life

This past week has been an enlightening experience.

We've felt energised by the warmer temperatures and the first signs of Spring so we've been out of the house more than in it I think. Just amazing. At last!

We've been to a park almost everyday and visited Wrest Park yesterday, (all with the Slackline). We even went swimming today. All 5 of us! It was so fun and it went so well. Proud moments.

One trip however, does stand out because it involved a life changing discussion for us all.

My youngest son and I went to 'town' (rare event) to visit the library and collect my new glasses. The other 3 children stayed at home with their nan so it was a treat to be out, just us two for a change.

We ran our errands and then decided to go to CEX and look at the games because H had some birthday money to spend (from his Dad!). He spent £6.50 on two games and decided to give his change to the homeless man that had asked us for some just before we had entered the shop.

As he walked up to the man to give him his money, a lady walked past and shouted, "Get a f*C^ing job.". I felt so sad and angry and disappointed all at once. My stomach took a nosedive and I felt sick.

After several seconds, I realised that I was truly outraged. That someone could show such little compassion almost floored me. H didn't hear what she had said, but I was upset, and I repeated it to him. He was easily as angry as I was.

This event has led to several discussions over the following days about how this could have happened. When did it happen? Has it always been this way?

We have now discussed it at length, and we are all in agreement that the next time we should witness something like this, we should say something.

It is time to stand up and be heard.

The misfits. The hippies. The carers. The children. All of you (us).

It is incumbent upon us to act now. It is time.

We're not advocating anything other than being compassionate and empathetic during your daily lives. We should all be sharing our goodness and shining our own individual light on dark places and dark people and dark acts. Things have to change.

I have always wanted to be kind but I guess it is presented as something meek and gentle (not very me!), so is consequently seen as a weak characteristic.

I think it is time that 'being kind' was seen as also being a courageous and (sometimes) loud characteristic!

Why not? Why can't we be kind, loudly? Share your good deeds! Spread your fortune and count your blessings! Speak out against injustice. Don't just sign petitions! Use your voice.

Let's face it, we are the peacemakers! I know that it is so difficult to invite conflict into our lives. It is uncomfortable and stressful for us to 'draw attention' to ourselves. I truly understand. But it is time now.  

Has society become so lost that it cannot even recognise kindness anymore? What if it has?

 

The following quote keeps me searching, learning, speaking out and acting.

For me, this is what unschooling is all about. The impromptu lessons and experiences that are immeasurable in their impact.

What happened during these conversations is life long learning.

This week my children and I realised that being kind and empathetic are the lock and key to true happiness.

Sending out lots of love tonight,

N x

PS - A friend shared this with me once and it seems pertinent.

An explosion of new learning.

I am astounded by the capacity my children have for learning new skills and developing their personalities.

Dominik has tonight told me how he recently advocated for a friend in need. He described himself using, 'intellectual language' and said that although he had been nervous and had lisped, he felt as if he had communicated his points really well. He felt that the person to whom he had spoken had heard him and was considering his/his friends position.

He followed that up with throwing around the bottom halves of his crutches (that have only previously been used as weapons!) in the manner of a juggler/baton twirler. He was surprisingly good! He could do a lot of stunts all of which he had taught himself. Now in search of juggling pins!

I think that perhaps the most beautiful thing he told me was that he actively tries to make me laugh! He said I have a very serious face and that it transforms instantly when I laugh. I told him I thought of myself as a fun person...and he laughed! We are all going to have more fun and laugh even more in 2017, I know it.

Since the year began, Harriet has said; bed, poo, boo, up and hot! Incredible changes happening for her too, Her self-awareness, empathy (yes, she really is empathetic at 23 months old so it must be possible), joy and love, know no bounds. She can crack any silence with a 'yeah' and she can soothe any tears with her small hug and gentle pat on the back.

Lily is now actively learning to skate backwards and she was joined today at the roller skating disco by her two cousins (and step-cousin?!) which meant the world to her. She was patient, kind and fun even when confronted with the fact that she was now effectively a lone skater, because I wanted to spend time with the (as yet) non-skaters. Cheer leading reconvened today too and given that Lily has been under weather and not sleeping, she met and exceeded her own expectations with her management of the whole day. So happy for her.

Hannon, I am finally going to submit, is Autistic too. He has been stimming a lot. He has been very insular and hyper-focused too. I have always known he has an ASD but right now, it is challenging for him to manage. I think that having acknowledged it is there, he is going to manage better though...as we all will I'm sure. Bless him. So emotional and confused. He is currently dreading returning to Cubs due to an incident and series of events that I have yet to share here so that is undoubtedly contributing to his sensitive state. He also still does not know what he would like to try this term...argh! Oh, and he is very focused on food.

And finally me! So far this year, I have begun adopting a paleo eating style, I've picked a yoga class to attend at last! I've begun my first cross stitch. I've picked up my Spanish. I've started having counselling, I am also researching the following subjects - 'screen time', violent and fantasy based play and cooperations vs competition.

Oh, and the children and I have started to plan some trips! A new soft-play, a climbing taster session, a shooting taster and a potential weekly Spanish meet with a Peruvian lady are all in the planning.

We've had a quiet couple of months, which we definitely needed after the whirlwind that was 2016, but now that is done, we're good to go.

N x

The little things.

A few little things made me smile today and oh man, did I need to!

I just tucked everyone into bed and I wanted to share my joy at our achievement in this area! I'm sure all parents can empathise with traumatic bedtimes.

I used to sleep with Hannon and Lily in my bedroom. They used to have no set bedtime. They used to be awake until I could not be nice any longer! They seriously used to test my patience in the truest sense of the phrase and it was tough for me. I was a newly single mother of three, with two high needs children, trying to 'traditionally' home school a PDA child (!!!!) and getting used to a new-ish life living in Bedford, alone, dependent upon social security benefits.

So, I had to find a solution for bedtime before I lost my marbles!

Between us, we negotiated a new routine. Everyone in their own bedrooms. No electronics after 10pm. Read/play until they were tired if needed.

I set a new limit on food at bedtime too. I simply refused to make anything else after 9pm. That was when I 'clocked off' from the kitchen.

I think that because we came to this arrangement together, I was hopeful that it would work for everyone and give me back some of my much needed mental powers!

There were a few blips. Hannon and Lily shared a room for a while and then Hannon decided he wanted his privacy. Fair enough. We transitioned Lily into her own room over a week, reminding her every day it was happening and we hoped for the best! Then she used to sneak in her tablet for a bit (until Hannon caught her) but I think that was to ease in the change in her own way! No big deal.

Well, she doesn't even think about doing that now and she did so great!

They now both sleep in their own rooms and are in bed by 10pm.
No electronics.
No food.
No fighting.
No exhausted, grumpy mum!
Yay!

All consensual. All peaceful. All happy.

Hannon is now reading his sixth manga series (don't even ask how much this is costing because it is worth every penny) and has probably read them all several times over.

Lily is reading whatever she can get her hands on but mostly manga, rhyming stories and poems that are familiar.

Harriet goes to sleep whenever she damn well pleases!!! Hahahaha! Yup, the baby has no idea that she needs to sleep. She is learning so much (and loving doing so) that she simply thinks that she has no time to sleep! Sigh. It is tiring but so worth it. Today she spotted a bumble bee in a book and screamed because she clearly recognised that she had seen one earlier in the day. We had chased one through the flowers in the garden. She can now sign 'milk', 'dog', 'finished' and 'monkey'. She is confident, beautiful, smart and completely charming! But, I'm biased of course.

And last but by no means least, Dominik.

Dominik has found new life since we began brushing (to release all of his retained infant reflexes). He is currently focused on his comic dubbing (and some singing) and is even auditioning for parts in other people's comic dubs.

He has wowed me with his ability to learn new skills. He has learnt to use programmes such as: Audacity, Synthesia, Movie Maker, Paint Tool Psi (sp?), Dropbox and probably some more I've forgotten, in a little over a month!

He is researching information about microphones and sound proofing and is asking for equipment for his not-too-distant birthday. He is truly happy and satisfied. He is drawing on a graphics tablet that Lily let him have (she really did!) and improving so fast. He is barely gaming at all. He is making new friends daily, He has stopped obsessing over how many views his videos are getting on YouTube. He is asking about punctuation! He is also teaching himself how to play the keyboard! He is just enjoying life so much. I am not sure I ever thought I would see him like this. Melts me.

And what about me I hear you ask!

Well, I've been shit! I know!! How is that possible?

I think what happened is that life got a bit 'quieter' (with all the kids doing so well) and then my world came into focus for the first time in a very long while.

I've struggled to reconcile being alone if I'm being completely honest with myself. I am angry and disappointed that those who undertook this journey with me are no longer there beside me.

I am bereft at the reality that my own mother is not offering me some extra support right now given that she was with me during two recent Dr's appointments where they both said that ideally, I should be in hospital.

However, I've started to feel a little better and am slowly leaving the fog behind. That is mostly because of my smashing friends and my growing support network.

Ok, I know these groups can't do anything practical on the kind of scale that I actually desperately need and want (a few days off), but they can listen, console, empathise, advise and perhaps most importantly, make me laugh. And that is what they have all done in their own ways.

It really is the little things that cumulatively make the most difference in normal, daily life.

No, my mum has not offered to give me a few nights off (shame really given that I have had only 7 in 12 years) but, my days have become less dark because there really are people out there who do care about me.

I know there are, because they tell me so.

N x

Such good times!

It is important to write about the good times.

The past weeks have been so full of good times that I've not really had much time to take stock.

Tonight I did though.

I realised we have such a roll going right now that it is heart-warming and inspirational.

We have what I can only describe as a 'circle of happiness'. It works very simply....always be kind. That's it. If we are kinder to each other, we genuinely and actively live in a way that is kinder to ourselves. Happy people are kind people...don't you think? Are you more or less likely to do kind deeds if you are happy: or sad: or angry: or simply disinterested? You see my point.

Happiness breeds happiness if we all act on it. Easy.

Here's some happy for you!


Dominik has had an unprecedented number of hits on his YouTube channel and he is simply happier than I have EVER seen him before. He has over 100 subscribers now. He has had over 35,000 views of one particular video (which is not even a gaming video!).

It is lovely to see his joy, ease, calm, and more joy!

He now has two people collaborating with him too! They both lives overseas so collaboration presents some challenges. Plus, his collaboration tool kit is non existent. However, Dominik has just completed his first ever international collaboration. At 11 years old! He did it all with masses of support. He is so proud of himself. He is loving what he is doing. He is genuinely feeling inspired and motivated. He even began drawing on the pc today and made his first ever animation. It was excellent. I'll see if he wants to upload it I think.  :-)

He has also -
joined us on holiday
been to a Vintage Gaming Fair
been for two picnics
been to the cinema
been to a local fete on a sweltering day
been to Legoland
and finally met up with friends at a COUNTRY PARK!!!!

This is just the last three weeks. It is stunning in it's incessantness (is that a word...don't think so). Just exhilarating to be a part of.

Hannon, in addition to the above, has just been to his first ever camp. I honestly never thought this would happen. He has never spent one night away from me voluntarily. Not even to my mum's house which is less that 5 minutes away. This is a major achievement for Hannon. And he loved it. Bonus! He cannot wait to do one next month. He is happy and motivated like Dominik. What more can you ask?

Lily has also done all of the above, and stayed at my mum's house for two nights in a row (one was a sleepover with her two younger cousins) so as Dominik, Harriet and I could be alone (because it basically never happens). How thoughtful and kind of my incredibly sensitive, intuitive little girl. Her moods have wobbled at the extreme ends of the spectrum as a result of how intensely she has been pushing herself but I know she happier now than she was at the start of the week so that's what counts. She is happier. She is loving having her own laptop so she can play pc Minecraft. She has been using scratch to make animations which are really funny and so well drawn. I should ask Lily to upload too I think. That will make her happier too.

Happiness is simply contagious. There is a caveat though...you just have to actually be happy for it to work. If you are not being honest with yourself about what you want and how best to achieve it, you can't be truly happy and therefore the happiness will not spread as easily.

Harriet is just happy. (She is also still a mountaineer.) She graduated to climbing ladders in parks this week! She is calling me now. She is loving learning how to sign. We are doing animals this week and we've found that dolphins are easily signed and remembered after she saw a video of them. She is so independent and headstrong (yup, another one) and so much fun. She receives so much love from her siblings and I think she brings it to herself simply by just 'being'. We can learn a lot from babies. They are so pure. She is just one tiny bundle of love.

Thanks for reading.

N x

Some of our unschooling wins!

I thought it was about time I mentioned a few recent unschooling wins!

Lily is now reading almost fluently and loving her new-found freedom. Not only is she better able to communicate with and understand the world around her, she is also brimming with a new level of confidence in her own ability to learn!

She has gone from reading simple children's bedtime stories, to young adult manga in a matter of weeks. She has revolutionised her own bedtimes in the process. She is now getting in to bed without any electronic media and she is reading (and sometimes drawing) until she feels tired. This doesn't mean we are without incident completely, every night, but it does mean it is far more manageable and that Lily is far calmer and happier.

We have talked again bedtimes as a family, but we are all agreed that they are working really well as they are and we all feel that we are benefiting from them in a positive way. This means we maintain the status quo. Yay!

Hannon and Lily get into bed at 9pm, with all electronics gone by 10pm and then reading for as long as you wish. Dominik stops gaming by 11pm and is in bed with his PS4 off by 12. He has chosen to have his tablet, as he will only read online. He is currently immersed in Undertale fan comics (more on this later).

Lily has also learnt to write by hand. This is something that has never come naturally to the boys, but Lily has taken to it like a duck to water. The boys are happier to type. Full stop. They do not have the skills at the moment to hold a pencil comfortably so typing is far quicker and feels nicer. They can both spell well and Dominik requested that I buy an Usborne book on spelling, punctuation, grammar etc. so he is actively learning some grammar! :-) Again though, Lily has picked up grammar very easily. In fact, I'm not sure we have even talked to each other about it. She may have heard me talking about it with the boys though. Either way, she rocks at punctuation! She wrote a note for my mum this week and it was simply beautiful. I will try and remember to upload a picture of it if that is ok with them. The envelope was even addressed - Beryl/Nanny - how lovely is that?

Lily has begun drawing her own little animations on her white board (her favourite and most used Christmas present by far!) almost continuously. She usually draws boys and girls and love hearts etc, but it is fabulous work.

She has been enjoying parkour and is a natural when she actually tries to be present during the lessons! Her physical abilities are extraordinary. She has also picked up some early tennis skills this week too.

I'm sure I could go on but I must tell you about the others.

Hannon has now learnt to use a second online animation programme. He is putting together little animations as well as making games. He is trying to perfect his YouTube intro at the moment. He has also made a few vlogs which seem to get more views than his gaming, much to his surprise!

Hannon has had a friend here for a sleepover this week and it went so well! There are usually a few skirmishes during a visit but this time, not one! Hannon was kind, thoughtful and generous without even a second thought. He allowed our guest to use his computer pretty much continuously whilst he was here. He said it was because his friend doesn't get to use one otherwise, as he only has gaming consoles. This made me think about how important it is that gaming consoles do not forever overshadow personal computers. We have found that having the ability to type on a keyboard makes a huge difference to communication skills and especially spelling abillity. (Google autofil is an issue though so best to turn that off!!) Lily does not have access to a keyboard and is using handwriting. I guess it just goes to show that where there is a will, there is a way.

Today Hannon typed 50 messages to Dominik during a livestream! 50 messages! He even typed one in the font 'Windings' because he thought it would be funny! He even searched for a translator to do it for him!!! Hilarious. Dominik loved it too.

Hannon likes to make and solve puzzles (they all do actually..hmmm, WE all do!) and we were gifted a 'Monster Book of Monsters' which was great for puzzle solving! If you aren't familiar with it, it is a book that featured in the Harry Potter book series that needed to be stroked in order for it to be opened. Well, this one needs a four part code to open it or it gobbles and growls at you with a cute little mouth. They all had marvellous fun setting new codes and trying to crack them! It was brilliant! Every time one of them cracked a code they would open the book, take out what was in the secret compartment, and then replace it with their own (by now) not so secret stuff and say, "This is my book now", to which I would reply, "No it isn't, it is still Hannon's.". They would then say, "But it can't be, only I know the code, so it's now mine!". How could you argue with that logic? So, the book currently belongs to the person who last set the code!

Hannon has been helping around the house completely voluntarily. He is also helping to choose meals with me every week because he is so fussy it is causing me too much stress now. He is helping me choose foods for him that he will eat. Today he ate....wait for it......KIMCHI!!! Yes, my 9 year old boy ate kimchi and asked for more when he was finished. I am so proud of him for trying it. I lived in South Korea when I was 21 and refused to even try it! He is amazing.

Ok...move on Natasha.

On to Dominik. He has been reducing his competitive gaming time gradually. He is realising what we already know and that is that he is far nicer to be around when he doesn't do it at all. I know. It truly sucks. He is gutted at the result of our experiment. I think we all are actually. We all want him to be able to play the games he adores but we have all seen that without them, he can function far easier. We think it is simply over-stimulation. He gets so agitated that he cannot manage anything else. Not even a conversation some days. He is playing fewer games and he is spending more time with me. He is also spending more time with Hannon, which Hannon loves.

He has continued with his physical exercises too and says that he hopes to return to parkour one day and to take up archery with Hannon and I. He is optimistic about the impending neuro-developmental therapy and is eager to get on with it.

What an incredible change. He is actually taking charge of his own well-being in a big way. He is embracing changes to himself like never before. I have talked to him about the possibility that his behaviour may change once he begins the therapy and he seems to understand that too. I am so proud of the leaps he is taking. He is also monitoring his diet and getting dressed and undressed at the end of each day. Not made much progress with bathing nor teeth brushing but baby steps are good.

Oh, yes! The Undertale fan comics! Dominik has begun writing Undertale (a new-ish game following on from FNAF) fan stories! It is called 'fanfiction' and he loves it! He has written at least two of his own so far. He brought one to me to read and I began talking to him about grammar and punctuation and the importance of structure for your story-telling. At first he was frustrated and cross and then he listened to me read his story without any punctuation and then again, but with some punctuation.

He immediately identified the difference and realised that his lack of 'theory of mind' was inhibiting him. He had assumed we would all read it how he does completely forgetting that we are NOT him!

Once I physically showed him what would happen to the reader, he understood immediately. Yay!

Just proves that practical, one to one support is priceless.
Especially with children who have communication difficulties.

NB - That ('communication difficulties') is NOT just a phrase for SEN advocates to bandy about! It actually means something! You must be practical in your teaching! It must be real! NOT realistic! It cannot be learnt via a make believe story, at least not to any real depth of understanding in my humble opinion. It MUST happen TO THEM. Not AT THEM. I am speaking from experience!

Domink has been taking strides I was unsure I would see.

And I suppose I should include Harriet?

Oh, ok then.

She is still, completely lovely. Today we had a baby visitor and she simply hugged and kissed him, and hugged and kissed him for about the first ten minutes of his visit. She just wanted to love him. It was quite obsessive and she was doing it with no prompting at all. It was beautiful. She's an empath of the highest order! You could see him visibly start to relax even in this new, strange, noisy environment. He left his mum without a glance and began smiling and playing happily as soon as she was done.

She is also walking! Yay! Oh man, she took a few steps in the week before Easter weekend and then on Easter Sunday she just walked! Over 50% of that day, she was on her feet. She was so proud and excited that she had finally got the hang of it! She is now only walking. Within two weeks she has gone from crawling to only walking. The downside is that she now does not want to go to sleep. Ever!! It is tiring me out a little but, meh, it'll pass and she is so happy I don't care! Today we went for a little walk to the end of the road and last week she walked around her first park, choosing her rides and her explorations. Harriet is truly content and happy with her life right now.

Her comprehension is excellent. There are very few daily routines that she doesn't comprehend now. She can communicate what she wants very effectively too. She rarely screams for attention but she does 'tantrum' if she doesn't get her way. I am hoping this will get better when she truly understands that I will let her do anything that does not pose a significant risk to her or us (or the cat)!

Harriet is a blessing as I always knew she would be. There is no love like the love from Harriet.

Ok, that's enough.

I'm exhausted and I want to snuggle with everyone before they get to sleep!

Love to you all from our unschooling bubble.

N x

Building the New.

This encapsulates my life philosophy. I genuinely believe that my efforts are best placed in creating new 'stuff'. Be it thoughts, people, ideas, relationships, habits etc etc. I have never described myself as creative, but it turns out that I am! I only want to create new 'systems'. It thrills me. I think that is why the complex and completely meaningful relationships in my house fascinate me so much.

Anyway, during a conversation about school choices, I had these thoughts and things to say about what is going with us 5 at the moment.

Here is what I wrote. I wrote this to a friend, before I decided it would be a blog post so it is as honest as it gets!

Enjoy!

"Hey, So, which one did they choose? I'm dying to know! I used to work in all of them many moons ago.

They made a really big decision and it sounds like they have been empowered by the experience. It reminds me of me! When I was that age I had the choice of going to Bedford Academy (John Bunyan as it was) or Dame Alice (now merged with Bedford Modern but still a private school). I chose Dame Alice because even thought there was an exam and I would be going completely alone, it was still a safer, more predictable, more academic choice.

If I had gone to John Bunyan with my 'friends' I cannot even begin to imagine the different route my life would have taken.

It still wasn't easy and there were still mornings when my mum would have to sit in the car with me outside school and wait for me to stop crying and calm down enough to actually go in! But, go in I did, most of the time.

I switched again for my 'A' Levels to go to Sharnbrook. Now that transition was far from easy. I was back among all the kind of people who bullied me in my middle school!

{I edited out two paragraphs for privacy.}
We seem to be pretty busy. I'm not coping well with it but we are doing it! We have never had so many organised activities (4 per week) and trying to fit in 'quality' time is more difficult because I have so much more to do. Trying to get them all to comply and enjoy is hard going!

Dominik has a wobble every week at parkour. He has a meltdown within the first hour every week guaranteed. It is heartbreaking but he hasn't given up yet and is just beginning to see an improvement so I honeslty hope he decides to keep it up after half term. Feels like a test!

Hannon is coding his own video games which improve by the day! It is incredible to watch and he surpassed what I had learned in less than 24 hours!! He has taken to it like a duck to water. He has about 5 different pieces of game making software on his pc but this is the first one that has really worked for his learning style. So, after about 4 months of trial and error (and money!) he has finally found his niche...and it was free! lol [ETA - He is even drawing all of his own pictures which is a first as he doesn't even voluntarily write with a pencil. Whilst the rest are drawing, he has always resolutely refused. Until now! He is experimenting with drawing on the computer and even 3D drawing like he never could in real life. I think he has overcome a big fear in doing this. He even said he thinks he might start trying with a pencil in the future. I am so proud of him taking charge of what works for him. Lily has even let him borrow her graphics tablet in case he wants to try with a pen.]

Lily is reading like a pro! She is just flying through it now and she is even asking to learn Spanish! We wrote down all the ways I could think of to say 'I love you' in different languages last night. It was great fun, 

Although, to coincide with Lily's rapid developmental spurt, we have also had a complete regression to the aggression and violence.

I have come to accept that it is the price we pay for big leaps. It puts a lot of stress on her system and she falls apart a little at the seams. We're all doing our best to support her..well, except Hannon who mostly wants to torment her a little more. Grrr.

And Harriet! She is awesome. Teeth 9 and 10 on their way. Crawling brilliantly (although more of a drag than a crawl...think legless zombie!) and she has just started cruising the furniture! I had forgotten how scary this bit is but she is doing marvellously and takes the odd tumble with grace and humour! She can almost stand unaided and she is learning fast how to fall onto her bum! She is also loving any food you give her to try. Thanks goodness! I do not have time to cook yet another meal! She loves being wrapped and even tolerates my failures and re-wrappings with fun (that is, if you call having your ears bitten at all 'fun').

Me, well, I'm exhausted and was on the edge for a few days. My mum stepped in and gave me an afternoon last week which was my first one since Harriet was born. That is 8 months! So, well, it was great and I am ok now.

Well, now I've bored you with an essay (sorry) I'm going to blog it in an adapted form if that is ok with you? I won't mention you by name but I will say how the blog came about.

PS - Thanks for asking how we are. You'd be amazed how few people actually do and I sometimes forget that great things are going on here, even when I am too exhausted to fully appreciate it all. Being able to write it down really helps.

Big hugs xxxxx" So, there you have it. That's a short summary of how we are all building and creating in my house! Sorry I haven't blogged sooner. It's been a bit busy! I'm glad a friend helped me to make the time to blog today.

N x PS - I did my hair!

All arguments are NOT created equal!

Just a quick thought really (I'm sleepy).

Not all arguments are created equally.

Sometimes my kids and I argue/bicker/fight/disagree and any other adjectives you can think of for being of opposing views.

These events can manifest in many different ways. Shouting. Stomping. Slamming. Throwing. Screaming. Stand(ing) off (or is it stand offing). Hitting. And probably more I'm sure. You get the idea right?

But sometimes, just sometimes, they (we) are arguing in a way that is different to the ways listed above.

They (we) are actually having a discussion about something outside of their (our) own lives. It is incredible to witness (be part of) and I am sure that these discussions become more coherent and more structured the more of the 'less desirable' types of scuffles they actually have! To have a discussion, the more information you have to draw from, the better things are for you. My kids are learning this as they move away from violence and frustration towards discussion and negotiation.

It is more than just opinions, gossip, finger-pointing, name-calling, childish disagreements etc. It is 'grown-up' (eurgh) and 'mature' (eurgh) arguing!

I'm not sure whether or not this phenomenon (at ages 8 and 6) is brought about by us being in a different environment to most (accepting, familiar, comforting, safe, loving) or whether or not most 6-8 year olds do this too? I sure do hope they all do! It is so interesting to be a part of and really bodes well for the future.

But, when my middle two children disagree, it can go every which way and therefore, sometimes, thankfully, does go the way of adult (eurgh) discourse (picture Sorkin, the Wachowskis etc). It is civil, structured, to the point, well reasoned and interesting to listen to. They ask one another poignant questions. They use persuasive language. They negotiate every little detail. They are always on the lookout for the catch!

I'm not sure any of this will work in their favour in the short-term to be honest, given how patronising adults are in general towards children, but, for the time being at least, they are articulate and curious and learning lots...yay!

Maybe that is why we love our unschooling so much? Having got rid of any preconceived ideas that because I have been alive longer, I know more, the children's arguments all become 'valid'.

By the time my kids make their way out properly into the world they will simply have learned to accept and be themselves because they have been allowed to be (without fear of further reprisal maybe because my house does not endorse 'punishment' for punnishments sake)?

My house teaches you that no one knows more about you than you do.

If you know yourself, you're more than capable of disagreeing calmly and patiently and this is because you do not feel threatened in any way. You know who you are and you are competing with no one but yourself from yesterday.

You are not attached to the thoughts/opinions that you may have formed over the years. You understand that they are transitory.

You are simply attached to your right to have those thoughts and opinions and your right to articulate them.

If new information arises, great! More to think about and consider. Win win situation so long as you are not too attached to your existing thoughts.

So in my opinion, all arguments are not created 'equal' but they are all valid forms of expression which clearly serve a purpose.

They move you towards self-knowldge.

Food for thought.

N x

PS - Just in case you are going away with the impression that my kids (and I) argue a lot, let me put it into context.

We are together pretty much 24/7.
We are awake and co-operating for approx 14 hrs per day. every day.

The things we do change. The people we see change. But, we mostly do things together, barring the times D does not join us (he needs far more quiet time than us as you already know).

There is a fight of some description probably every day, yes.

There are 5 of us in our house (one of them being a 6 month old baby who is obviously always reasonable and easy to deal with), plus a carpet-destroying cat (don't even get me started) and an incontinent elderly American Bulldog (urgh..laugh if you like but you'd hate it too). Things can get hectic!

But, I reckon, if you a divided the number of fights by the number of hours spent together, and then compared that number to a more typical population, we'd look pretty impressive.

Screen time & gaming! The eternal conflict!

Here are some of my rambling thoughts from a conversation I was having recently with a friend of mine.

They are about gaming and screen time and the internal (and external) conflict these issues create.

Afternoon!

I do understand your concerns about the amount of time spent in front of a screen.

I guess what I would say, is how much time does an adult spend looking at screens (work, tv, phone, tablet etc) and is it really that different? 

I know for me for example, that it is very little but, you could easily equate a love of screens with a love of books and the amount of time I spend (would spend) with my nose in a book (my passion) would easily match up. I guess books seem benign (although they aren't in terms of impact on your eyes I'm sure)!

I think the optician who said the blue light from screens damages your eyes could well be right, but again, long term studies are thin on the ground (non-existent?) and there could also be many benefits for the eyes. We know that neurologists are discovering gaming benefits for the brain all the time.

Upon being asked for some links:

The only other links I have come across recently have been related to the brain scans of addicts (drug addicts and computer addicts specifically) and they show enlarged 'pleasure centres' in the brains of these individuals (not surprising). 

They do not however seem to know which came first (the enhanced pleasure centre or the addiction) so it is hard to determine causality.

(I have put some links below that cover some of the recent scientific studies)

I guess I'd also like to add that, yes, it does worry me some days how much time my PDA son spends in front of a screen BUT, I try to remember: it is his passion, he is incredibly talented, he wants to make it his career and he continues to learn and improve all the time. Not sure what more I could ask for really? I know that I would love, love, love to have something that I felt that passionate about. 

As to the addictive nature of gaming - who knows!

Just look at anyone who plays any games (including benign games like Candy Crush or Angry Birds) to see that everyone has the potential for excessive use. 

I think the difference for my son, maybe not for everybody, is that he needs the instant gratification, the trophies, the kudos from team mates, the speed of play, the depth of the graphics (better than real life according to him) and he enjoys the incredible attention to detail required to excel in all the different gaming arenas. 

For him, they are *better* than real life. Much of what I have listed he cannot achieve in real life! 

He has never been able to be on a team. 
He has never won a trophy. 
He has never been the best at something. 

It is no wonder the pleasure centre of his brain fires up when he games! 
He is experiencing a lot of pleasure! 

I can only wish that he found that much pleasure in other areas of life, and maybe one day he will (he does sometimes I guess...swimming, the beach, eating out, cinema, visiting good friends, the trampoline, water balloons, water pistols) but until then, I'm going to let him figure it out. 

He has all the relevant information (with regard to his health and the implications for it long-term) and a good idea of what can happen as a result of so much gaming so ultimately, it is his choice. 

As for everyone else, go with what feels right for your family. 
That's all any of us can do in the end. 

Meh, what does it matter...in the long run we all blame our parents for what goes wrong, right!? 

N x

LINKS - 

7 fascinating TED talks on the benefits of gaming

Gamer Brain Reward System

Video Gaming Can Increase Brain Size and Connectivity

Games not addictive says game addiction clinic founder

How video games can affect adolescent brains

Study Finds Action Gamers Are Better Learners

Is your Aspie a born gamer?

A discussion about therapies.

Last night I was involved in a discussion with a lady called Jude Seaward who has always been my 'go to' for more practical, empathetic approaches to helping my children, and particularly my PDA son. You can find out more about Jude here at her website, "SimplyMisunderstood".

She was asked by someone else in the group we belong to, what the difference was between Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) and why one might be more beneficial for children (and adults I guess) with Pathological Demand Avoidance, than the other.

I am going to copy and paste the discussion below as there is not much more I can add. Jude's summary was concise, comprehensive and easily understood.

Here you go!

Jude:

"What I have found is that therapy alone doesn't work, or is very slow. I have found that it must be multi elemental so you look at the environmental changes, teaching a new skill in line with their development and broken into small steps, altering interaction and changing the persons approach.

That is where NLP is slightly better than CBT.

CBT is about challenging people's views and offering alternative thoughts. For example, my friend walked past me and ignored me; 1) because they didn't see me or 2) because they don't like me and are ignoring me. So, CBT would look at the evidence to support or disprove the persons thoughts.

This process, if you think about it, is quite directive, and in some ways challenging. This, in its own way, becomes a demand.

With NLP, it's about building a new thought process and skills, so if you see your friend and they are walking past, you can call them, tap them on the shoulder and so on. You have a shared experience in the process. Instead of being an exploration, you look at the positive thought patterns and plant ideas.

The more you practice them, the more your brain positively reacts to it.

So, instead of with CBT, saying, 'Why am I scared? What can I do about it?', with NLP you would look at, yes, it does worry me but I can do this. Do I need to ask for help, or do I have the skills?

This way it helps the child (or adult) develop coping skills that they can use, (rather than with CBT changing what they think) in a logical format. It is very subtle, the difference, but one is more structured and therapist led (CBT) rather than free-flowing and child-led (NLP).

This is why it works better for kids with PDA...it gives them some control and relationship with the therapist - it is more nurturing.

Also, NLP will take into account the preferred learning manner and get you to be more in touch with your body, helping you to realise what senses you use to take in information from the world.

It's used a lot hypnotherapy where a positive thought is 'planted' to be triggered. For example, I used it when studying and the thought was simple: I like to read and study. This was in line with my natural balance but I reinforced it and it made doing my masters a breeze as I enjoyed it even more! Even now I enjoy a book (but not always a reference book)!"

So, there you have it. The subtle and yet crucial difference between CBT and NLP.

After having this discussion with Jude I realised that, whilst I don't have the technical terms for what goes on in my own home, I am following NLP principles. We constantly build on what makes us happy and helps us to feel accomplished. We rarely talk about 'deficits' and 'struggles'.

All learning in my house, (social, emotional, physical, educational etc.) happens by building on strengths and focussing on positives. I do not ever begin an activity with my children based on the premise that they need to 'improve' or 'practice' as these in themselves devalue where their skill level is at this current time, which in itself can be discouraging (especially for a child with PDA who has massive anxiety about their performance to begin with).

I know I risk sounding like a broken record, but, the unstructured learning approach for kids with PDA  is so very beneficial. It is also, slower and it is more bumpy and it is certainly requires a lot more faith, but, in the long run, it leads to better outcomes because ultimately, it is an internal change and not an external change.

If your child, whether they have the PDA part to their diagnosis or not, is anxious about failure and struggles to get motivated if the task is something that has been forced upon them, please consider how NLP and using different language might help.

Are you building on their passions? Are you harnessing their interests? Are you strengthening their confidence and self-esteem by using a 'can do' attitude?

I hope you have taken something from this short discussion that can be of use for your family.

Have a great day,

N x

Is your Aspie a born gamer?

So, as I am sure many of you know, a large number of Aspies seem to arrive with an inbuilt love of technology and all things digital.

My oldest son is no exception!

I have found that above all else, gaming is the best way to engage him in true, meaningful learning experiences that are self-motivated and highly rewarding (the virtual trophies, the new high scores, the online competition and the ultimate goal of game completion).

I have often felt conflicted about the benefits of gaming and about the level of his obsession,but as time has passed, I have learnt, read, watched and experienced so much that I no longer feel any conflict.

I hope that by writing this, some of you, who are perhaps still skeptical, might gain a new perspective and understanding, and perhaps even support your child's less than 'politically correct' hobby.

A bit of background.

Dominik was obsessed with the computer from around the age of 3. He would repeatedly attempt to 'break into' our family pc by trying many different passwords over and over again, giving up and switching it off by the power switch to just begin all over again! Eventually we decided to teach him how to use it rather than constantly having to do pc maintenance because of repeated, unnecessary rebooting!

He had some simple games revolving around 'Thomas the Tank Engine', 'Dora the Explorer' and 'Bob the Builder' to begin with and invariably completed them on the first try so we expanded his horizons to BBC Bitesize, OMGPop, National Geographic Kids and a few other 'kid friendly' sites that I have long since forgotten.

He would spend hours watching his dad playing 'Morrowind', 'Evony', 'Kings Bounty', 'World of Goo' and playing strategy/tower defense, puzzle and brain training games on King.com!

So, after several more years, along came 'Minecraft'!

I introduced Dominik to 'Minecraft' when he was just over 7 years old when the game was still being heavily developed and improved.

Well, it was like I had opened Pandora's box! 'Minecraft' combined his love of the PC, Lego, sand box games, YouTube research, real life physics, multiplayer servers and much, much more. He was in love and still is to this day. We have 'Minecraft' on our tablets, on our PS3, on our XBox and on our PC's.

If you are unfamiliar (or even skeptical) of the benefits of 'Minecraft', here are some useful links:

Minecraft In Education
Hey, Parents. What Minecraft Is Doing to Your Kids Is Kind of Surprising. (includes some excellent videos too)

The Benefits of Minecraft for Children

I could go on, but, if you are truly interested, you will have the idea by now! If not, then you should probably stop reading here as it is only going to get more controversial from your point of view!

During this time we also played many games that used real-life physics engines: 'The Incredible Machine', 'Happy Wheels' (yuk) and 'Crayola Physics' to name a few.

We played 'Bookworm', 'Scrabble', 'Spore', 'Worms', 'Little Big Planet' and countless 'Lego' games!

Using the 'Minecraft' multiplayer model, Dominik moved onto 'Steam' games ('Team Fortress 2', 'Portal', 'Half Life' and 'Binding of Isaac' (yuk)). 'Steam' offered him further opportunities to make new and interesting friends from around the world (some of whom he still speaks to to this day on 'Skype'), as well as improving his typing, reading and social skills (all unexpected and welcome events).

We bought ourselves a second hand Wii gaming system for his 8th Birthday and the fun just kept on coming! 'Mario Kart', 'Wii Sports' 'Raving Rabids' and the 'Zelda' games just expanded our repertoire further and allowed us to incorporate more gross motor skills into our learning, as well as continuing to improve his fine motor skills.

Whilst the learning is taking place, there is another important factor to consider...the family time! The joys of racing each other, out-shooting each other and sabotaging each other cannot be underestimated! We have had so many hours of laughter and family bonding over the Wii it is worth its weight in gold as far as I am concerned.

At this current time we have the following gaming systems in our house:

PS2
PS3 (x2)
Wii (x2)
Nintendo DS
Nintendo 3DS
PSP
XBox 360
Tablet (x3)
Laptop (x3)
Super Nintendo

So, as you can tell, I have now fully embraced my sons expensive hobby!

Some more games that stand out as being instrumental in his learning have been:

'Guitar Hero'
'DJ Hero'
'Band Hero'
'Portal 2'
'Mirrors Edge'
All of the 'Call of Duty' games
All of the 'Sonic' games we have
All of the 'Lego' games we have
All of the 'Mario' games we have
'Skyrim'
'Pokemon'
'Tomadachi Life'
'Angry Birds'
'Plants vs Zombies'

I am sure you are asking yourself how it is possible that these games could lead to learning experiences, well, I am going to tell you!

I am going to focus on the 'shoot-'em-up' type of game as I think this is the most controversial type of game in the grand scheme of things but here are some links to general gaming benefits/pitfalls:

STUDY FINDS CHILDREN BENEFIT FROM PLAYING VIDEO GAMES

10 Benefits of Video Games

Video game play may provide learning, health, social benefits, review finds

Are There Benefits in Playing Video Games?

The educational benefits of videogames

Gaming Can Make A Better World

Benefits of Gaming - A Graphical Representation


So, the 'Call Of Duty' series and others like it, were the games that I resisted buying for the longest period of time. I am an anarchist (please look up the definition if you think it is synonymous with violence of any kind) and a pacifist and I hate the idea of warfare full stop.

Buying the first game (which I bought last Christmas after having had the PS3 for two whole years prior to that), was a big step for me and a huge leap of faith.

I spent many hours watching Dominik playing these games trying to ascertain what the benefits are, as I was certain there must be some given the level of popularity of this particular genre.

He has learnt the following from these games as far as I can tell (this list is by no means exhaustive):

• remarkable hand eye coordination
• problem solving
• strategy and planning
• teamwork
• focus
• communication
• patience
• logistics
• weapons expertise
• history
• military history
• geography
• English

The reason I decided to write this blog entry happened last night. Dominik chose to buy a new shoot-'em-up' game yesterday called 'Battlefield 4'.

As I watched him, I noticed that the graphics were of outstanding quality....such outstanding quality that the glare from the sun can affect gameplay and requires you to plan your strategy. The game engine is so precise as to allow you to walk on girders (if you are able), to plant bombs in rail cars and then close the doors to remote detonate them if an enemy enters the area and to parachute into areas occupied by the enemy and infiltrate their base. This particular game has an added element that intrigued me enough to actually play!

You can download and install, on any tablet, an app called 'Battlefield Commander'. This allows you to join the server that you are playing on on your PS3 and 'command' the gameplay. This enables further strategy and planning, the use of EMP's to disable to enemy teams communications and so much more.

Yes, not nice I hear you cry! I agree! I DO NOT envisage my son being military material and yes, I hate the idea that he is being 'trained' in modern warfare, but the long and short of it is, he is.

And he is extremely good at it.

The benefits of watching (and playing) these games with Dominik are that I am able to discuss some of life's' bigger questions with him within a context that he understands and loves.

How does he feel about war?
How does he feel about unmanned drones?
How does he feel about remote warfare?
Does he realize his skill set is one of a 'soldier of the future', where robots and unmanned vehicles will be the norm?
Does he realise that being able to control machines via game console controllers is something the military are really interested in? (Game Controllers Driving Drones, Nukes, Army fly UAV spyplane with Xbox 360 controller, Us Army Remote Vehicles Using Xbox 360 Controller?, Wii All You Can Be? Why the Military Needs the Gaming Industry, War Games and the list goes on).

Whilst Dominik is uncomfortable with this reality, even he has to concede that I have a point! Through these discussions and many others like them, I hope that (as he matures), he will be able to make the right choices for himself...whether I agree with them or not.

It is not my place to make decisions about how he should prepare for his future. I do not have a crystal ball. I do not know what the future holds.

I want my children to make decisions that are right for them, not me. It is my job to ensure that he is fully informed and that he has a moral grounding that is sturdy. I am doing that to the best of my ability whilst enabling him to pursue his interests.

Whilst people are frowning upon 'gamers' as a group, they might want to consider that one day, in the not too distant future, a gamer might be responsible for saving their life.

The technology is not going to go away.
The horse has already bolted.

My son, and the millions of others like him, are being trained for war and they are the future.

I wonder what it will hold.

N

The right to be disappointed in someone else.

Who do people think they are?

To look at someone else's actions/words/life and to pass judgement is wrong I think.

"Judge not lest ye be judged." - Matthew 7:1-3

Is that the essence of why we judge one another? Because then everyone can be judged indiscriminately? That can't be right.

I have an intense dislike of people passing any kind of  judgement.

I am not completely free of the urge yet but I am consciously working on it.

I will do my utmost to see the best in every situation/person I encounter because I would rather be happy than sad.

I would rather other people were happy (and loved as I am) than unhappy and I would not deliberately hurt anyone and I think passing judgement is hurtful. (That stands irrespective of what they may have 'done' to me).

No one does anything to you beyond that of their actual 'behaviour'. There lies the end of their power. It is how you respond to that behaviour that ultimately matters. That is where the true power of people lies.

"It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to." - W. C. Fields

I don't think I have always been this way, but it has always been the way I was heading.

Perhaps this is the biggest lesson to pass on to my children?

Be accepting of others. Be tolerant. Be understanding. Send out love, empathy and kindness.

The world needs more of those.

N

Dominik uploaded the Introduction to his new YouTube Channel!

Proud Mummy moment.

My 10 year old uploaded his first YouTube video this week after much learning and much angst!

I am flamingcomet.

He also has a Facebook Page and a Twitter all set up ready to go. :-)

Here's wishing you much success in your chosen endeavour Dominik. Let the gaming career commence!

Mum x

Teaching by Stealth - My top Tips!

Teaching by stealth is something many of you have heard me refer to before I am sure but it is something that has been invaluable to me so I thought I would expand on the idea a little more and turn it into information that would make sense to everyone!

A brief description -

Teaching by stealth is imparting information, encouraging learning and curiosity, and presenting interesting new opportunities to children, that are cleverly disguised as fun activities (which are actually fun).

For me there is an added layer to teaching by stealth because my son is demand avoidant and will generally refuse to do anything if it was a) not his idea and b) if it does not coincide with his current interests.

So, here you go, my top tips, for teaching by stealth.

Focus on what they love and expand on it!

• create a simple word search of characters names
• have a drawing competition
• send the characters to the shops with some money and list of items to buy
• make your own jigsaw puzzle
• play with your children and let them teach you what they know
• help them research the history/development of their chosen interest
• find someone who is more knowledgeable than you are and make a connection with them on behalf of your child
• use paper mache to create something from a show/game
• encourage them to use pixel art/Minecraft to create their own scenes and stories
• make your own board game
• use instruments to create a unique soundtrack and storyline
• make masks and costumes and play-act together
• make your own finger puppets and put on a show
• use their current interest as a theme for charades
• play hangman using their theme
• send their favourite character on a round the world trip and plan their journey
• use the internet and find out as much as you can and drop tid-bits of new information into conversation
• write a quiz and have a prize for a certain number of correct answers

I hope they give you some new ideas to get more out of the time you spend with your children and to help them get more out of what they love.

N x

PS - I just came across a great list of recommended reading for those interested in learning more about relaxed home schooling.