Ups and Downs.

As is becoming my way, I wrote this in response to a message from a friend and it sums up where we are at nicely.

So, I honestly cannot think of anything that we have been doing in particular that is noteworthy but I do know that I am utterly EXHAUSTED!

Half-term turned out to be quite busy I guess with a couple of trips to woods (mushroom hunting and tracking and then making wands and pixie dust), some shopping with mum for my birthday (Fly boots rock!) and then some friends visiting here and there (one day I had 8 children in the house...arghhhhh!).

I guess I am doing ok but I am still a little lonely. It sucks not having anyone to pick up the slack when I'm tired or stressed out. At the end of a bad day what I would not give to have someone to chat to about what happened. What I would not give to have someone bring me a coffee in the morning, just sometimes. I do begin to go a little crazy inside my own mind some days.

This especially applies after Dominik or Lily meltdown and I've used up all my energy (which is usually at a pretty high level!) sorting them out and then there are still Harriet and Hannon to support in the aftermath.

Yesterday in particular was bad. Dominik has been having serious trouble sleeping again (we're talking between 4 and 6 am to fall asleep) so yesterday, when we had to get to parkour for 1pm, he was shattered and not in any fit state to get through it. I was dreading it before we got out of the door as he insisted on wearing his new trainers despite not having even worn them in the house yet! Yup, setting himself up for the inevitable fall.

He had the most massive public meltdown he has had in a very long time (so long in fact that I can't recall the last time) and it was spectacular. 

Swearing, kicking, shouting, punching and crying all at the top of his very loud voice in a very small gym.

It was all because he could not agree with the other children where his place in the line was and then, because they all disagreed with him, he felt that they were bullying him. It was heartbreaking trying to explain to him that it wasn't bullying and that it really wasn't that important. But, as those of you with Autistic children already know, this is a fruitless endeavour because it was not as he needed it to be in order to manage.

They all said his spot was somewhere different (because he had left the line to speak to me and change his shoes) to where he had begun and he just could not manage at all with that yesterday. This has never happened before and Dominik has been going to parkour since September so that is an indicator of just how bad he was feeling. It has highlighted to me just how massive his needs are when we are not in 'optimum state'. It has also been kind of a 'blessing' as I have the dreaded DLA paperwork sat in my kitchen waiting to be completed. Sigh. What a soul destroying job that is.

On to Lily then. She is pretty dire too right now. She is having trouble sleeping also. Not quite as bad as Dominik, but about 2 am. She is grumpy, argumentative and easily stressed most of the time if things are not kept calm, predictable and as she likes them to be. This is perhaps even more tiring than Domink if I'm honest. She will not be rushed, she will not be told what to do and she will not participate in anything aside from riding lessons.

I think before Harriet arrived this was fine because when they were up all night, I would be too! We would do all the things we would usually do during the day, at night instead so I felt ok about everything.

But now, obviously, Harriet gets up at around 7 am and I need to be up then too. I have to get to sleep before midnight or I cannot function at all and I start becoming more Aspie by the day and meltdown left right and centre over things that are just not that important (like a crumb on the worktop or a shoe on the floor) . This does not happen when I am doing well! Having the two of them going through a rough patch at the same time is pushing me to my very limit that is for sure.

Hannon however is AMAZING (thank goodness). He is excelling at parkour. Loving his running machine. Utterly focussed on becoming strong, fit and healthy. He is still programming his games with aplomb. He is now learning how to do some video editing and working on improving his spelling, grammar and punctuation (although he doesn't know that!) through his video uploading and responding to peoples comments.

Harriet too is AMAZING! She is above the 75%ile and growing beautifully. She is cruising, landing on her bum, kneeling up, clapping, waving, blowing kisses, almost standing alone and generally enjoying her new found communication skills. She is happy and content, loves being read to and enjoys playing with her big brothers and sister more than me! She also loves to eat although still prefers the breast!

I have just taught myself some basic crochet skills so have made Harriet some leggings and am making her a matching bonnet now. Feeling proud of that!

So, there you have it! Not a bed of roses but still ticking along.

On a final note, I am going to be doing some informal chats at The Avenue support group next week which is from 12.30-2.30 pm on Tuesday, November 17th at The Pentecostal Church, Crab Lane, Biggleswade, Beds, SG18 0LN. If you would like to come along and have a chat please book by sending an email to - theavenuesupport@outlook.com

Thanks for reading,

N x

Our latest experiment!

It occurred to me today that it might be worth mentioning our latest (somewhat unusual) project.

For a long time now my oldest son, Domink (PDA, ASD, SPD, APD, dyspriaxia, ADHD, misophonia, urgh, and the list goes on but basically simply adds up to 'hypersensitive in all areas of perception' and 'n'th degree human being! Perhaps an evolutionary step?! Who knows, but these young people are coming through loud and clear and telling us that society is breaking down...they can't live in it any more!!! But ask yourself this, is the world they would prefer worse than the status quo?

Woah, massive sidetrack, sorry.

So, yes, Dominik has been asking for a room of his own. Specifically, the front room in our house. Traditionally, the living room I guess.

I have resisted and resisted and have kept telling myself that it would make life far, far worse as he would then have to self regulate his computer usage, his space and his time alone. Massive changes. Big gulp.

So, back in May, I finally agreed, on the proviso that he gave me his months allowance toward the furniture, bed and mattress and that he helped me moving his things into his new room. He agreed and we bought what we needed.

We then came to a hurdle. I did not have anyone who would be able to help me move the big sofa upstairs to what has now become our sitting room/living room/Hannon (and oftentimes, Lily's) bedroom.

I soon bit the bullet (amidst all the nagging from Dominik) at the beginning of June and paid someone. He did a few other jobs that had been depressing me too so overall, I guess it made us all feel much better!

Dominik moved downstairs just over two weeks ago.

The first few days were very rocky!!! I was stupid enough to push my luck and unfortunately, Dominik had a massive meltdown in public, which he hasn't done in an extremely long time.

I'd forgotten what they were like to be honest and I don't miss them one bit!

So, yes, I encouraged him to come out with us on 'moving day', even though he had already struggled to hold it together all morning and had been particularly dictatorial. Sigh, When will I learn?

He really wanted to please me (as a thank you for getting his room done) so he made himself come.

Well, yup, we learnt a valuable lesson at the same moment that day and it has changed our relationship in a big way and for the better. We both now know to be more mindful and to not try to be 'normal' even when it appears to be the right thing to do. We knew we had tried too hard and we failed.

Right moving on. Since that first day, life has changed.

Dominik is spending more time out of his 'room' than ever before! He even sat in our new living room and watched a WHOLE MOVIE with us! Without freaking out and spoiling it for everyone (do your kids who are on the spectrum do that, or is it peculiar to just mine)? He did meltdown as soon as I left to get everyone a drink but, nevertheless, it was a massive improvement.

He is choosing how he spends his time really well. Yes, he is still playing a lot, but it is different now. With the constant threat of it being taken away gone, he is clinging to it far less ferociously.

He will eat with me.
He will come and chat with me in the kitchen.
He came out for TWO picnics over the last week.
He played a game with me!!
He is a godsend when it comes to helping me with Harriet. He is by far the most amazing with her....she always laughs for him! She adores her biggest brother and he her.

Hmmm, he did have a meltdown yesterday though.
He desperately wanted to see 'Minions' and I said yes without hesitating and booked us tickets Thursday and we went Friday.

Well, he lost the plot before we left because we wore minion glasses and Lily went one step further and face painted herself yellow!!!

I thought it was brilliant and encouraged her. Well, Dominik went crazy saying he would be embarrassed and that it was "****ing stupid". He ranted and raved and demanded to be able to punch Lily or else he couldn't go. He was being completely outrageous. He ran off with the car keys at one point!!! How did he get those I hear you ask? Well, I had given them to him so he could go and get in the car first to try to avoid a fight! Yes, that was stupid!!! Hannon even told me so! Hahaahahahah! He insisted he wasn't going and I said fine, my mum was with us, so he could stay with her.

So, I get the keys back from him and he swipes at Lily, I escort her out to the car and belt her into the front seat. Dominik decides he wants to be in the third row (exactly why I need one, DLA, do you hear me) and I put down the seats and get him in sharpish.

Harriet and Hannon get in the middle. We're all set! Deep breath.

As we pull away, Dominik is in floods of tears.
He could not apologise enough.
He was devastated and hyperventilating.
I told him how much I loved him.
Hannon told him that it was ok and that he understood that it was just a part of his Apsergers.
Lily said she forgave him.
I told him it was in the past. That we got it, that we were really proud of him for coming with us, that we knew he could do it and that it was time to go and enjoy the film together.

It was plain sailing from there, with the three big kids behaving impeccably from there until we got back to the car. Harriet was excellent the whole time.
Lily proceeded to fall apart once back at the car.
Hey ho, we talked her down and laughed about how Dominik is more like to freak before we go out, Hannon is most likely to do it while we are out, and Lily, without fail, will do it as soon as we are leaving and she lets her guard down! So strange! I tend to do on the way out and on the way in! Not my best moment and definitely the times when I am most likely to lose my temper and need to take a time out!

So yeah, I think giving him what he wanted is paying off. My house is a happier place.

Lily loves being able to stay with Hannon (and even though he says he hates it, he keeps letting her come back even though I back him 100% if he doesn't want her stay with him).

Hannon loves that I can go and sit with him lots more during the day :-)
He can read for me now too in a quiet, comfortable space, and that is excellent. Massive hurdle jumped. He even read the promise at his Cubs going up ceremony better than the other three boys going up with him. So proud because when he started Beavers he was one of the only ones who did not read at all. Look at what he's done! He read a page to me a few days ago from "Soul Eater" and the only words on the page that he could not read were 'Pharaoh' and 'tornado'.

(NB an article I came across today adds to the idea of self-teaching in general.)

Dominik is so happy now he controls his own space.
He is even putting washing away, emptying his bin and bringing out plates and cups. Having ownership has helped in a big way.
His self-awareness with regard to his meltdown Friday was inspirational. I love him so much. I cannot believe how far he has come.
He was complimented by his hairdresser this week too for being able to sit so still and being so polite.
He has been going to the shop confidently by himself.
He has sworn less.
He has been quieter.
He has been sleeping more.
He has been nicer to live with.

But still, and most importantly, he really is so much happier.

The gamble is paying off ... for the time being at least.

Sending out progressive vibes for you all.

Thanks for reading.

N x

Some cool moments from the past two weeks.

On our way to see 'Minions'.

Lily and Hannon out with their Dad.

Dominik photo bombing me and Harriet!

Is your Aspie a born gamer?

So, as I am sure many of you know, a large number of Aspies seem to arrive with an inbuilt love of technology and all things digital.

My oldest son is no exception!

I have found that above all else, gaming is the best way to engage him in true, meaningful learning experiences that are self-motivated and highly rewarding (the virtual trophies, the new high scores, the online competition and the ultimate goal of game completion).

I have often felt conflicted about the benefits of gaming and about the level of his obsession,but as time has passed, I have learnt, read, watched and experienced so much that I no longer feel any conflict.

I hope that by writing this, some of you, who are perhaps still skeptical, might gain a new perspective and understanding, and perhaps even support your child's less than 'politically correct' hobby.

A bit of background.

Dominik was obsessed with the computer from around the age of 3. He would repeatedly attempt to 'break into' our family pc by trying many different passwords over and over again, giving up and switching it off by the power switch to just begin all over again! Eventually we decided to teach him how to use it rather than constantly having to do pc maintenance because of repeated, unnecessary rebooting!

He had some simple games revolving around 'Thomas the Tank Engine', 'Dora the Explorer' and 'Bob the Builder' to begin with and invariably completed them on the first try so we expanded his horizons to BBC Bitesize, OMGPop, National Geographic Kids and a few other 'kid friendly' sites that I have long since forgotten.

He would spend hours watching his dad playing 'Morrowind', 'Evony', 'Kings Bounty', 'World of Goo' and playing strategy/tower defense, puzzle and brain training games on King.com!

So, after several more years, along came 'Minecraft'!

I introduced Dominik to 'Minecraft' when he was just over 7 years old when the game was still being heavily developed and improved.

Well, it was like I had opened Pandora's box! 'Minecraft' combined his love of the PC, Lego, sand box games, YouTube research, real life physics, multiplayer servers and much, much more. He was in love and still is to this day. We have 'Minecraft' on our tablets, on our PS3, on our XBox and on our PC's.

If you are unfamiliar (or even skeptical) of the benefits of 'Minecraft', here are some useful links:

Minecraft In Education
Hey, Parents. What Minecraft Is Doing to Your Kids Is Kind of Surprising. (includes some excellent videos too)

The Benefits of Minecraft for Children

I could go on, but, if you are truly interested, you will have the idea by now! If not, then you should probably stop reading here as it is only going to get more controversial from your point of view!

During this time we also played many games that used real-life physics engines: 'The Incredible Machine', 'Happy Wheels' (yuk) and 'Crayola Physics' to name a few.

We played 'Bookworm', 'Scrabble', 'Spore', 'Worms', 'Little Big Planet' and countless 'Lego' games!

Using the 'Minecraft' multiplayer model, Dominik moved onto 'Steam' games ('Team Fortress 2', 'Portal', 'Half Life' and 'Binding of Isaac' (yuk)). 'Steam' offered him further opportunities to make new and interesting friends from around the world (some of whom he still speaks to to this day on 'Skype'), as well as improving his typing, reading and social skills (all unexpected and welcome events).

We bought ourselves a second hand Wii gaming system for his 8th Birthday and the fun just kept on coming! 'Mario Kart', 'Wii Sports' 'Raving Rabids' and the 'Zelda' games just expanded our repertoire further and allowed us to incorporate more gross motor skills into our learning, as well as continuing to improve his fine motor skills.

Whilst the learning is taking place, there is another important factor to consider...the family time! The joys of racing each other, out-shooting each other and sabotaging each other cannot be underestimated! We have had so many hours of laughter and family bonding over the Wii it is worth its weight in gold as far as I am concerned.

At this current time we have the following gaming systems in our house:

PS2
PS3 (x2)
Wii (x2)
Nintendo DS
Nintendo 3DS
PSP
XBox 360
Tablet (x3)
Laptop (x3)
Super Nintendo

So, as you can tell, I have now fully embraced my sons expensive hobby!

Some more games that stand out as being instrumental in his learning have been:

'Guitar Hero'
'DJ Hero'
'Band Hero'
'Portal 2'
'Mirrors Edge'
All of the 'Call of Duty' games
All of the 'Sonic' games we have
All of the 'Lego' games we have
All of the 'Mario' games we have
'Skyrim'
'Pokemon'
'Tomadachi Life'
'Angry Birds'
'Plants vs Zombies'

I am sure you are asking yourself how it is possible that these games could lead to learning experiences, well, I am going to tell you!

I am going to focus on the 'shoot-'em-up' type of game as I think this is the most controversial type of game in the grand scheme of things but here are some links to general gaming benefits/pitfalls:

STUDY FINDS CHILDREN BENEFIT FROM PLAYING VIDEO GAMES

10 Benefits of Video Games

Video game play may provide learning, health, social benefits, review finds

Are There Benefits in Playing Video Games?

The educational benefits of videogames

Gaming Can Make A Better World

Benefits of Gaming - A Graphical Representation


So, the 'Call Of Duty' series and others like it, were the games that I resisted buying for the longest period of time. I am an anarchist (please look up the definition if you think it is synonymous with violence of any kind) and a pacifist and I hate the idea of warfare full stop.

Buying the first game (which I bought last Christmas after having had the PS3 for two whole years prior to that), was a big step for me and a huge leap of faith.

I spent many hours watching Dominik playing these games trying to ascertain what the benefits are, as I was certain there must be some given the level of popularity of this particular genre.

He has learnt the following from these games as far as I can tell (this list is by no means exhaustive):

• remarkable hand eye coordination
• problem solving
• strategy and planning
• teamwork
• focus
• communication
• patience
• logistics
• weapons expertise
• history
• military history
• geography
• English

The reason I decided to write this blog entry happened last night. Dominik chose to buy a new shoot-'em-up' game yesterday called 'Battlefield 4'.

As I watched him, I noticed that the graphics were of outstanding quality....such outstanding quality that the glare from the sun can affect gameplay and requires you to plan your strategy. The game engine is so precise as to allow you to walk on girders (if you are able), to plant bombs in rail cars and then close the doors to remote detonate them if an enemy enters the area and to parachute into areas occupied by the enemy and infiltrate their base. This particular game has an added element that intrigued me enough to actually play!

You can download and install, on any tablet, an app called 'Battlefield Commander'. This allows you to join the server that you are playing on on your PS3 and 'command' the gameplay. This enables further strategy and planning, the use of EMP's to disable to enemy teams communications and so much more.

Yes, not nice I hear you cry! I agree! I DO NOT envisage my son being military material and yes, I hate the idea that he is being 'trained' in modern warfare, but the long and short of it is, he is.

And he is extremely good at it.

The benefits of watching (and playing) these games with Dominik are that I am able to discuss some of life's' bigger questions with him within a context that he understands and loves.

How does he feel about war?
How does he feel about unmanned drones?
How does he feel about remote warfare?
Does he realize his skill set is one of a 'soldier of the future', where robots and unmanned vehicles will be the norm?
Does he realise that being able to control machines via game console controllers is something the military are really interested in? (Game Controllers Driving Drones, Nukes, Army fly UAV spyplane with Xbox 360 controller, Us Army Remote Vehicles Using Xbox 360 Controller?, Wii All You Can Be? Why the Military Needs the Gaming Industry, War Games and the list goes on).

Whilst Dominik is uncomfortable with this reality, even he has to concede that I have a point! Through these discussions and many others like them, I hope that (as he matures), he will be able to make the right choices for himself...whether I agree with them or not.

It is not my place to make decisions about how he should prepare for his future. I do not have a crystal ball. I do not know what the future holds.

I want my children to make decisions that are right for them, not me. It is my job to ensure that he is fully informed and that he has a moral grounding that is sturdy. I am doing that to the best of my ability whilst enabling him to pursue his interests.

Whilst people are frowning upon 'gamers' as a group, they might want to consider that one day, in the not too distant future, a gamer might be responsible for saving their life.

The technology is not going to go away.
The horse has already bolted.

My son, and the millions of others like him, are being trained for war and they are the future.

I wonder what it will hold.

N