Summer so far.

Summer so far, aside from being a bit of a wash out, has been interesting!

Hannon, Lily, Harriet and I have made more than a few trips to Houghton House after discovering that it is brilliant for role playing games. The kids have really let loose and played Batman, Avatar and countless other chase games/shooting games/hiding games/mystery games and ghost hunting games. They have played for hours on end in the beautiful surroundings of Central Bedfordshire.

To be honest, I'm a bit worried that the local residents might think we are 'casing the joint' for some big job as we have been there so often, mostly at sunset!

But, wow, to have them voluntarily leaving the house and running around outside regardless of the weather has been magical and it is a nice reminder of why we love the Summer so much.

In other news, Dominik called the police to come to our house. Not so great. No.

He told the dispatch lady that I had 'tried to strangle his face' and that he was being assaulted. Sigh. I am more than willing to confess that yes, I did lunge at him (but that I lunged at him due to tripping over the end of his bed) whilst trying to take away his controller and headset in order to stop him playing a game which was causing him so much anxiety that he could no longer distinguish reality from fiction. Shit.

About half way through the call he realised what he had done and began back-tracking at a remarkable rate, but obviously this was to no avail. The dispatch lady explained to him that she had a duty to send an officer to our house.

Lily went into instant meltdown imaging the worst and fearing that I would be arrested and Dominik was almost suicidal thinking about the potential consequences.

The male officer arrived within ten minutes of Dominik making the call and he was professional, courteous and friendly to us all.

He listened to what we all had to say and took the time to explain to Dominik that what he had actually done was waste police time for what was essentially a fight with his mum over his computer game.

Domink was embarrassed and upset but handled it well overall. I was embarrassed and upset but also grateful at the speedy response and the understanding shown by the officer.

All's well that ends well I guess. I think Dominik would hesitate before doing it again and I do think he learned this lesson. It has always been one of my greatest fears if I'm honest so I'm glad it is out of the way now!

I should add though, that the officer did tell Domink that he should call again if he felt genuinely threatened by anyone (including me).

Ummm, what else? Well, we bought a little tent for our back garden and have had some great fun sleeping out and playing games in it during the rainy days. Hannon has discovered that he can read Harry Potter by himself. Lily has just had her first ever day out without me (or anyone else she is related to) and it went really well overall. She did hide in the toilet on two occasions during the day and she had a massive meltdown once she was home but that is to be expected I think. I'm just so proud of her for wanting to do it and managing to too!

We've already been on our holiday to Scratby as well. That was a beautiful five days away. We did lots of swimming (Lily can now swim on her back) and we went to the beach and Great Yarmouth Pleasure Beach too. It all went by without incident but that is mostly because Dominik did not come with us. He chose to stay at home with my mum and the animals.

He told me that whilst we were away he did not have a single meltdown nor did he lose his temper or swear (my mum agreed) and he made a point of telling me that he should have been an only child. Oops.

Dominik just likes to be left alone and he loves the quiet.

I do feel awful when I hear this from him because I just feel so guilty that we can't do more. I obviously cannot make the house silent at all times and I obviously cannot vanish my other children but I wish I could, just for him. I'd make him a giant soundproof bubble if I could.

Although, he is very lucky I guess because he does get so much down time. He does not have to contend with school, shopping trips, visits to relatives, day trips etc etc if he does not want to and I suppose it must be helping.

This week he and I focussed on his self-esteem. He admitted to me that he does not often like himself and that he is completely unsure of how it feels to be truly, intrinsically happy. We talked about dopamine and what it does and we discussed how his computer creates that hormone for him and therefore ensures his 'happiness'.

Dominik knows that he needs to learn how to be happy in himself and without any external stimulation but he also knows that at this time, it is not possible. He knows that he is at increased risk of becoming a lifelong 'addict' in some way and he is conscious that he does not want this for himself.

He is also aware that he missing out on so much, this year particularly. He has missed countless trips to visit good friends and two short breaks. It makes me as sad as it makes him happy.

Together we can work this out. I know we can. But, like most things, it's just going to take a little time, patience and practice.

N x

PDA kicked my butt this week.

Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) has kicked our butts this week.

Dominik has been more challenging this week than he has been for a long while.

Every single request, from asking him to being me an empty juice cup, to encouraging him to come out to the woods for an afternoon with us (more on this below), has met with outright refusal.

He is entrenched in his gaming world and is not interested in leaving it for any reason. Unless of course you count going into town to buy another game! That he did with no problem whatsoever and it went really well, in fact, it was a lot of fun.

That is what grates more than anything else. The fact that when he wants to participate in life, things are great. If Dominik wants to be a part of our world he is a delight. He is the spoke at the centre of the wheel. He is the determining factor in every situation. You have to admire someone who can exert that amount of control, no matter what the reason.

But, let's not forget that even if he does really want to do something, the transitioning is always tough. Getting him dressed and into the car is invariably lengthy and anxiety provoking (for all of us, not just Dominik). More often than not, the little ones stay out his way lest he lose control of himself and lash out. He is impatient and nervous once out of the house and prior to reaching his destination. He is in full blown 'I must control everything mode' until we get where we are going. He will ban everyone from talking in the car. He will decide whether or not the radio is on and if it is, how loud it will be. He will choose if the windows or the sunroof are open and if so, how far open. He will choose if you can drink your drink, eat your snack, play on your tablet etc etc.

It is exhausting and this week, it really has been.

Nothing has really worked in terms of distraction/persuasion. Sigh. I have lots of tools in my kit for dealing with/helping/encouraging/supporting Dominik, but this week, none of them have been enough.

We went to the woods yesterday to meet with a delightful family. We have just begun forging a new friendship and my little ones really seem to like them all a lot. Excellent.

Well, Dominik tried his best to control the situation to the nth degree and this resulted in him hitting their son (leading to him having his own meltdown and disappearing into the woods for an hour causing all sorts of new problems).

Dominik had only come because he had bargained with me to sleep downstairs the previous night. He had asked to stay downstairs and said that he would come to the woods with us if he was allowed to. I agreed.

He dressed without issue and left the house with nothing more than the ordinary drama described above.

We arrived at the woods on time (yay) and Dominik immediately asked me if he could go home in a taxi. I said no and he asked if he could stay in the car. I said no. He began throwing pine cones and sticks around so I subtly manoeuvred the little ones out of the way and we investigated the nearby woods whilst we waited for our friends to arrive.

They arrived and Dominik made his feeling known straight away, no doubt making everyone feel awkward. He walked with the adults and let the little ones go and play. He seemed ok. He said he was hungry and thirsty (we had had lunch before we left the house) and that he was bored but he kept walking. Pretty successful so far all things considered.

We eventually caught sight of the little ones ones and Dominik went running over to join in with them. Excellent I thought.

And then disaster. Upon running into a copse of bushes and fallen trees to find their base, he tripped and fell, pushing over the other little boy and grazing his own arm and leg in the process. Disaster. Dominik was screaming, the other little boy was screaming and they were both blaming eachother for the mishap. The other little boy (being on the spectrum also) thought that Dominik had pushed him over on purpose and shouted at him. This upset Dominik even more as he was not only physically hurt, but his pride was damaged and now he was being accused of doing something that he did not do. This combination of events is trouble.

Dominik is now inconsolable and insists on walking back to the car to wait for us to finish our walk and for the little ones to finish playing their game.

The little ones keep playing and don't really seem to notice his absence. Even the little boy he tripped onto seems to have recovered. Phew I think, we just need to make our way back to the car and we'll get home.

We arrive back at the car and Dominik is sitting there on a bench looking perfectly calm and ready to leave.

He wasn't. He ran over to the other little boy and thumped him. No warning. No words. Just a thump. And then he said, "That's for saying I pushed you over on purpose."

He was hurt and aggrieved that he had been accused of something he didn't do and I should have known that he wouldn't ignore that. I missed the signs and someone not only got hurt, but it caused untold stress and danger to another family.

It was not a good trip. I still feel horribly guilty this morning (hence my need to 'confess' to you all here I guess).

Everything turned out all right in the end. No one was badly hurt and I have been reminded to be more vigilant and to just let Dominik sit in the car if that is what he wants to do and even if it seems wrong. I must be flexible because he can't be.

Next time will be better,

Thanks for reading.

N x